Shockwaves at this years El Brassico has Jack Pattinson hands in a shocking transfer request. Inter Crabby manager, Fat N, has secured the statement signing he has been longing for. Pattinson brings leadership to his beleaguered squad who includes ‘Daddy, the broke my laptop, Hunters. Luffty will be gutted to lose his star man, having just heard of unofficial reports suggesting that Chufty has died this morning. The Sun claims it is a ketamine overdose but it was widely acknowledged he was expected to die years ago. This is a huge blow for Stevie Luff but he’s hoping the recruitment of Bosh as Pattinson’s replacement will offer a sufficient blow for him to enjoy a choccie crème with. Stay tuned on this breaking story.