The story of Koen I had already seen Koen around on a few events organised by Sex Positive Belgium. At a consent event, he declared they were not useful for him “since his boundaries were so far out anyway”. I consider that a supremely dumb thing to say, so it’s all the more surprising I was still intrigued. I can’t really explain it. There was something about him, something attractive, something proud. Years later, I go to a sex+ weekend. The entire group cozies into the living room for the starting ceremony. I look around for people I am interested in, and I see Koen. The same evening, the lot of us are blindfolded, naked, coated in oil, rolling around on a plastic tarp in what is supposed to be sensual ecstasy. It comes close, but everyone moves a little fast, like we’re at a coke orgy. I start crawling and slipping through the mass to find new people. At the far end, I bump into someone and their touch is really slow and sensual. “Please be Koen”, I think. An hour of sensual exploration later, it turns out he is. I am chuffed. I’ve been looking for a dating partner and a sensual one to boot, and I swam through a mass of people to find him. He shows a lot of reluctance, mostly centered on two objections: I am too attractive and thus too popular, and I am too into penetrative sex. I find both arguments hilarious, and sweep them aside with my usual bravado. “Yeah, sure, we could end it here. But it was good, and I’m greedy - I want more. Don’t you? Let’s both be greedy”. We meet weekly or sometimes twice a week, mostly in Koen's dilapidated mansion on the drug dealer side of Brussels, his thought palace of books. We spent most of our time having very slow, very sensual sex. He loves to squeeze my flesh in a way that’s sensual and slightly painful. After 30 minutes of that, I slide into this wonderful endorphin trance. We do tantra massages, orgasmic meditations. I learn how to have a stacked orgasm. Sometimes, he simply puts his hand on my vagina and keeps it there for 10 minutes, unmoving, and I can still feel the energy flow. I feel like a succubus ensorcelled by a warlock. We read books, talk about philosophy, trek through the city. Things aren’t perfect. That’s what you get when you have a weak spot for lovely eccentrics. We have to have a talk about monologuing and pretty soon some intellectual topics become off-limits. But things are good. I like being around him. We dance in his kitchen while Nights in White Satin rises up all around us like the fires of ecstasy. It’s all pretty exciting. I am particularly happy, because apart from Jan, I don’t relationship very well. I would only be able to see people up to once a month, anything more would make me feel crowded. Any pressure from the people in question to intensify the relationship would usually end in me ending it. But three years of hard work in therapy later, and look at me now! Totally having a relationship. I can’t believe it. Sadly, it doesn’t last long. After two months, I leave for a hardcore sex+ weekend with the Come and Play group. Koen’s fear of my attractiveness turns out to be fueled by a cheating partner in addition to other trauma’s. Partly due to a mistake on my end, it comes out in full force. He sends me a message saying “The easy times are over, now the work begins. What am I to you?”. There's three weeks of trying to make it work. There’s a few earnest conversations and a dissociation attack (mine) and some scathing poetry (his). Then there’s another ill-placed sex positive weekend with both Jan and Koen, where I start to feel like a resource to be divided. Jules, the gatekeeper to the Jules resources. “Again you cheat me out of time together”. It gets quite tense, and there’s a difficult date with good moments and bad moments. Then, after a few miscommunications, Koen cancels a date in anger. I decide this isn’t going to work. We meet in a coffee shop to cry. Leaving is excruciating. For about 15 seconds, the pain per second ratio is the highest I’ve experienced in a long time. After that, it gets less and less. A few weeks later, we meet in the same coffee shop, I patiently listen to explanations, and answer questions.