An explosive rumour has emerged this evening that manager of Inter Crabby FC are set to put all of their resources into securing Jack Pat’s signature. Can Inter Crabby manager, Fat N, secure the statement signing he has been longing for? Pattinson could bring leadership to this beleaguered squad who include ‘Daddy, they broke my laptop’ Hunters. Luffty will be gutted were he to lose his star man, having just heard of unofficial reports suggesting that Chufty has died this morning. The Sun claims it is a ketamine overdose but it was widely acknowledged he was expected to die years ago. This is a huge blow for Stevie Luff but he’s hoping the recruitment of Bosh as Pattinson’s replacement will offer a sufficient blow for him to enjoy a choccie crème with. In other news, it is expected Jack Johnson will not make it back in time from Mordor and Jack Robson’s surgery in turkey has gone awfully wrong. All of which plunges Stevie Luff’s squad into disarray.