The Devil in the Details

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

You know, I saw the Devil at the grocery store the other day. He was buying kale. I mean, what does the Devil even need kale for? Is he trying to be healthy? 'Excuse me, Satan, do you need a bag for that? Or are you planning on carrying it to Hell in a salad bowl?'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But seriously, folks, back in Salem, they were seeing the Devil everywhere. 'I saw Sarah Good with the Devil! I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil!' You know, if I saw the Devil, I'd be like, 'Hey, Satan, what's the Wi-Fi password? I need to check my emails.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And you know what's funny? If the Devil was really that common, he'd have a frequent flyer card. 'Welcome to Hell Airlines, Mr. Lucifer. You've earned 666 miles to your eternal vacation.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Now, when someone says, 'And I pray you feel the weight of truth upon you,' it's like they're trying to guilt you into telling the truth. I mean, if I felt the weight of truth, I'd be crushed. 'Honey, I can't lie about where I went last night. The truth is crushing me!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, sometimes the truth is just a heavy burden. Like when your friend asks if you like their new haircut. 'Well, the truth is, it looks like a bird's nest, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.' So, I just say, 'It's unique!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And let's be real, if the truth could weigh you down, lying would be the easiest way to lose weight. 'I weigh 120 pounds, and I haven't lied in years!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

You know, if you've ever had a cold relationship, you know what it's like to tiptoe around the house. 'I've been tiptoeing in this house all seven months since she is gone.' I mean, if I tiptoed around my house for seven months, I'd have the world record for silent movement. 'Watch out, I'm a ninja!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the guilt, oh the guilt. If you tiptoe because you feel guilty, you might as well wear a sign that says, 'I did something wrong, but I'm not telling you what.' 'Honey, I'm tiptoeing because I ate the last cookie and I'm feeling really guilty about it.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know what's worse than tiptoeing? Tiptoeing when you have no reason to. 'Why are you tiptoeing, Jack?' 'I don't know, I just feel like I should be.' 'Well, stop it, you're creeping me out.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Community drama is like a soap opera, but with more accusations and less bubble baths. 'I saw you with the Devil!' 'No, I saw you with the Devil!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's cousin, and he's even worse!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And you know what's funny? In a community drama, everyone's a detective. 'I saw you at the store, and I know what you bought!' 'Well, I saw you at the park, and I know who you were talking to!' It's like everyone's got a magnifying glass and a notepad. 'I've been following you, and I have proof!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know what's even funnier? When the drama is so intense, it becomes a sport. 'Who can make the most ridiculous accusation?' 'I saw you with the Devil's pet hamster!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's pet hamster's cousin!'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Accusations can be dangerous, but they can also be hilarious. 'I saw you with the Devil!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's accountant!' 'What's the Devil's accountant even do? Does he file taxes for Hell?'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, if you're going to make accusations, you better have evidence. 'I saw you with the Devil!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's therapist! And I have a receipt!' 'Well, that's different. I just needed someone to talk to.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the consequences can be severe. 'I saw you with the Devil!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's personal chef! And he made me a really good salad!' 'Well, that's a different story. The Devil's a health nut.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Fear and fury can make people do crazy things. 'I saw the Devil at the mall!' 'Well, I saw the Devil at the gym! And he was bench pressing 500 pounds!' 'Well, that's impressive. Maybe he's not all bad.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, sometimes the fear is just a misunderstanding. 'I saw the Devil at the coffee shop!' 'Well, I saw the Devil at the library! And he was reading a self-help book!' 'Well, that's different. Maybe he's trying to improve himself.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the fury? Well, that's just a result of too much caffeine. 'I saw the Devil at the coffee shop, and he was drinking a double espresso!' 'Well, that explains the fury. The Devil's a caffeine addict.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Satanic sightings are like UFO sightings, but with more red eyes and less flying saucers. 'I saw the Devil at the supermarket!' 'Well, I saw the Devil at the farmer's market! And he was buying organic!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a health nut and an environmentalist.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, if you see the Devil, you better have a good story. 'I saw the Devil at the park, and he was playing chess!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a chess master.' 'Well, he beat me three times in a row, and I'm a grandmaster.' 'Well, that's just embarrassing.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the Devil? He's just trying to blend in. 'I saw the Devil at the church!' 'Well, I saw the Devil at the community center! And he was volunteering!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a community service advocate.' 'Well, he said he was trying to make up for his past sins.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Guilt and resentment can make you do crazy things. 'I haven't lied in seven months, and I feel like a weight has been lifted!' 'Well, that's great, but I haven't lied in seven years, and I feel like a weight has been tied to my feet!' 'Well, that's just sad.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, sometimes the guilt is just a result of too much honesty. 'I told my friend I didn't like their new car, and now they won't talk to me!' 'Well, that's what happens when you're honest. Sometimes it's better to lie and keep the peace.' 'But lying is wrong!' 'Well, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the resentment? Well, that's just a result of too much honesty. 'I told my boss I didn't like his new tie, and now he won't give me a promotion!' 'Well, that's what happens when you're honest. Sometimes it's better to lie and keep the job.' 'But lying is wrong!' 'Well, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

The power of lies can be incredible. 'I told my friend I was sick, and now they're bringing me chicken soup!' 'Well, that's what happens when you lie. Sometimes it's better to be honest and just say no.' 'But sometimes it's easier to lie and get what you want.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, sometimes the power of lies is just a result of too much creativity. 'I told my boss I was in a coma, and now they're sending me flowers!' 'Well, that's what happens when you lie. Sometimes it's better to be honest and just say no.' 'But sometimes it's easier to lie and get what you want.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the lies? Well, they can be as creative as you want. 'I told my friend I was a secret agent, and now they think I'm James Bond!' 'Well, that's what happens when you lie. Sometimes it's better to be honest and just say no.' 'But sometimes it's easier to lie and get what you want.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

Modern witch hunts are just as crazy as the old ones. 'I saw you with the Devil's smartphone!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's social media account!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a tech-savvy guy.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

But you know, sometimes the modern witch hunts are just a result of too much social media. 'I saw you with the Devil's Instagram!' 'Well, I saw you with the Devil's TikTok!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a content creator.'

Jack 'Tiptoe' Thompson

And the Devil? He's just trying to keep up with the times. 'I saw the Devil at the tech conference, and he was giving a keynote!' 'Well, that's different. The Devil's a thought leader.' 'Well, he said he was trying to improve his digital presence.'