The Tenth Commandment of Comedy

Travis

You ever think about tithing 10% of your income to the church? I mean, 10% is a lot. But let's put it in perspective. If you're spending $1,000 on a new iPhone, that's like tithing 10% of your income for a month. And let's be real, that iPhone is not going to save your soul, but it will definitely make you the coolest kid at Bible study.

Travis

Speaking of generosity, have you ever donated to a friend's Kickstarter? I mean, they're always launching these crazy projects, like a new type of spoon that can also be a fork. And you're thinking, 'Do I really need this? But they look so desperate. So you end up donating, and the next thing you know, you're at their house for a thank-you dinner, and they're serving you food with that new spoon-fork. It's awkward, but at least you didn't have to tithe for it.

Travis

You know, the church parking lot is the only place where you can find a parking space and a blessing at the same time. I mean, you're already there to be a good person, so why not also find a spot right up front? And if you do, you can feel extra holy because you didn't have to circle around like a heathen. But be careful, because if you park too close to the entrance, the pastor might think you're a VIP and invite you to sit in the front row. And let me tell you, sitting in the front row is like being on a stage where everyone can see you fidgeting through the entire service.

Travis

Now, here's a real story of generosity. I once gave my ex a ride to their therapist's office. I mean, they needed it more than I did, right? But the whole ride was a bit awkward. They were talking about their feelings, and I was just trying to focus on the road. And then they said, 'You know, I think you should come inside for the session.' I was like, 'No, I'm good. I'm just the generous ex.' But hey, at least I got a few brownie points for being a good person. Or at least, that's what I told myself.

Travis

Have you ever been to one of those charity dinners where everyone is trying to out-generous each other? You're sitting there, and the auctioneer is like, 'Who will bid $1,000 for this vase that looks like it was made by a second-grader?' And you're thinking, 'I have a $20 bill in my pocket. Is that enough to get me a slice of cake?' But then your friend raises their hand, and they bid $500. And you're like, 'Oh no, I have to one-up this. I'll bid $600 for the vase and a prayer.' And then everyone claps, and you feel like a saint, even though you're just trying to get out of the awkward small talk.

Travis

I have this neighbor who is the most generous person I know. They always organize the neighborhood watch meetings, and they bring cookies. And not just any cookies, but those gourmet cookies that are like a work of art. And then they start talking about how we should all be more generous and help each other out. And you're like, 'Sure, I'll help, but can we have more cookies first?' And then they give you a look that says, 'You can have more cookies if you sign up for the neighborhood charity run.' And you're like, 'Fine, I'll run, but I'm not wearing that ridiculous t-shirt.'

Travis

Ever had that moment where you're standing in the offering line, and you realize you forgot to put money in your tithing envelope? You're standing there, and everyone is watching, and you're like, 'Should I just put a random bill in there? Or should I write a check and make it look like a big deal?' And then you see the pastor looking at you, and you're like, 'I'll just put a $20 in and pretend it's a donation to the youth group.' And then you feel a little guilty, but at least you didn't have to face the awkwardness of an empty envelope.

Travis

Have you ever been in a service where the pastor just gives you the biggest guilt trip about tithing? They're like, 'Brothers and sisters, if you're not tithing, you're not living a truly generous life. And you know who's not tithing? The devil.' And you're like, 'Wait, are you saying I'm the devil because I forgot to put money in the envelope last week?' And then you feel so bad that you end up putting in twice as much as you planned. And you're like, 'Well, at least I'm not the devil now. Right?'

Travis

There's this secret generosity club at my church. You have to be a certain level of generous to join. And the initiation ritual is to give away your car to someone in need. And you're like, 'But I just got this car! It's still under warranty!' And they're like, 'The reward is much greater in heaven.' And you're like, 'I don't even know if I believe in heaven, but I guess I'll give away my car just to fit in.' And then you end up riding the bus to church, and you feel like a saint, even though you're just avoiding the awkward car giveaway.

Travis

I have this friend who is the most generous tipper ever. They always leave 50% tips, and the waiters love them. But one time, they went to a fancy restaurant and left a $100 tip on a $200 bill. The waiter was so overwhelmed that he started crying. And my friend was like, 'I just wanted to show some appreciation. I didn't realize it would make you cry.' And the waiter was like, 'Thank you, sir. This is the best tip I've ever gotten. I think I might buy a new car with this.' And my friend was like, 'Well, at least you didn't have to give away your car to join the secret generosity club.'