Born a Human, I'm Sorry

Barnaby Bumble

So, I downloaded this dating app, right? Said I was looking for someone 'kind, intelligent, and enjoys long walks on the beach'. Turns out, that's the description of every serial killer ever.

Barnaby Bumble

And the pictures? Don't even get me started. It's like everyone's photos are taken by someone who's actively trying to make them look less appealing. 'Oh, this blurry photo from five years ago in a dimly lit bar? Perfect!'

Barnaby Bumble

Anyone else feel like these apps are just a giant collection of people desperately trying to convince themselves they're having fun? I mean, who's really finding true love swiping left and right? Show of hands? Yeah, exactly. Me neither.

Barnaby Bumble

Public transport. Where the unspoken rule is that eye contact is strictly forbidden. Unless you're accidentally making eye contact with someone who's just sneezed violently, then it's an instant competition of who can look away first.

Barnaby Bumble

And the sounds! The symphony of coughing, sniffling, and the rhythmic tapping of someone's aggressively enthusiastic nail polish drying. It's like a bizarre, auditory performance art piece, only instead of being moved, you just want to die.

Barnaby Bumble

So next time you're crammed onto a bus next to someone who smells suspiciously like old gym socks, remember this: we're all in this together. In this smelly, uncomfortable, slightly terrifying, together. Anyone else relate? Yeah, thought so.

Barnaby Bumble

Social media. Where everyone's life is a perfectly curated highlight reel, except for mine, which is just a series of increasingly blurry selfies and angry rants about the price of avocados.

Barnaby Bumble

I saw a post the other day about someone's 'perfectly Instagrammable' breakfast. It looked like a miniature still life painting created by a highly skilled, yet deeply unsettling, food stylist. I just had toast.

Barnaby Bumble

So, next time you're scrolling through perfectly filtered lives, remember this: it's all a lie. A beautiful, carefully constructed, slightly terrifying lie. Anyone else feel a little bit better now?

Barnaby Bumble

I mean, we're all just tiny specks of dust on a giant rock hurtling through space. And our biggest concern is usually what to have for dinner. Irony? Perhaps. Hilarious? Definitely.

Barnaby Bumble

So, let's all raise a glass (of water, because I'm trying to be healthy) to the absurdity of it all. To being tiny specks of dust, together! Anyone else find comfort in that?