The AI Conspiracy Comedy Hour

Alex Thompson

So I've been reading about this guy who claims he almost created superintelligent AI, but then the government shut him down. You know what's funny? The same government that can't figure out how to make a website that doesn't crash during tax season is apparently running a top-secret AI program. That's like putting your grandma in charge of cryptocurrency.

Alex Thompson

He says they sent an undercover agent to infiltrate his startup. [Laughs] Imagine being that agent. 'Day 47: Still pretending to understand Python. They're starting to suspect I'm not really a programmer because I keep trying to debug by hitting the monitor.'

Alex Thompson

The best part? This all happened in Portland, Oslo, and Milan. [Pauses] Because nothing says 'top secret government program' like following a guy around Europe's most expensive coffee shops. [To audience member] Sir, you look like you work in tech - ever had a government agent follow you to Starbucks? No? Must not be important enough yet.

Alex Thompson

This guy's theory combines quantum physics with artificial intelligence. You know what that means? Nobody understands it! It's perfect! [Imitating scientist voice] 'My theory is based on quantum superposition of neural networks in a flexible block universe.' Translation: 'I made up words until the funding arrived.'

Alex Thompson

He invented something called a 'Causalon' - it's supposedly a particle that makes free will possible. [Dramatic pause] Finally! Scientific proof that it's not my fault I bought those shoes online at 3 AM. It was the Causalons!

Alex Thompson

But here's what kills me - he says this particle exists in the human neocortex. [To audience] Anyone here know where their neocortex is? No? Neither does the government, that's why they're so worried!