Space is the Place

Charlie Cosmic

So, space tourism is a thing now. People are paying millions to sit in a metal tube and be flung into the void. Meanwhile, I can't even get my friends to visit me in my apartment because it has a ‘bad Yelp review’ for being ‘too cramped with questionable smells’!

Charlie Cosmic

I mean, can you imagine? You shell out all this cash to see Earth from space, but all you can think about is if your cat is okay back home. 'Space is amazing!' but also, 'Did I leave the oven on?'

Charlie Cosmic

I can see an astronaut floating in space, getting a text: 'Hey! Send me a postcard!'. Like, 'I can't even find my own address in space, Karen!'

Charlie Cosmic

Zero gravity is like that dream where you can fly. But instead of soaring majestically, you’re just trying not to hit your head on the ceiling every time you turn around. I mean, can we talk about how a sneeze in zero gravity is like setting off a confetti explosion? You better have a space mop ready!

Charlie Cosmic

And don’t get me started on space bathrooms. How do you even…? Like, I struggle on Earth, thank you very much! You want me to use a vacuum toilet? I can’t even find the right button when I’m trying to flush!

Charlie Cosmic

But hey, at least in space, nobody can hear you scream. Except maybe the aliens who are watching us from a distance like 'Nope, not landing there!'

Charlie Cosmic

Speaking of aliens, you know they're watching us, right? They’re probably scrolling through our Yelp reviews like ‘These humans look interesting, but uh... one star? Too many reviews about them being rude at drive-thrus.’

Charlie Cosmic

I can just see them flying in, taking one look at us, and immediately deciding we’re not worth it. ‘Let’s just hop over to Mars. They’ve got great reviews for hospitality. Earth is just a bunch of crazy people arguing over pineapple on pizza.’

Charlie Cosmic

And honestly, if aliens land and they find a phone, they're probably going to think we left them a message. 'Yo, take a right at the third star and you’ll find us, but don’t trust the reviews. They’re all from people who haven’t even tried our food!'

Charlie Cosmic

Then we’ve got Mars colonization. We’re trying to make it the next Earth. So, what’s our selling point? 'Hey, come to Mars! Sure, you’ll have to wear a spacesuit, but you can’t beat the view! And the rent is out of this world!'

Charlie Cosmic

And you know there’s going to be a Mars version of a bad neighborhood. Like, 'Ugh, don’t move to the Olympus Mons area—too many dust storms, and trust me, the Martian neighbors are not friendly!'

Charlie Cosmic

Then you’ll have people on Mars acting like they’re from Earth, saying, ‘Well, in my day, we didn’t have this fancy oxygen tank!’ while sucking in the last bit of their air, like they’re hoarding the last slice of pizza at a party.

Charlie Cosmic

And let’s not forget intergalactic dating. How are we supposed to swipe right when the Wi-Fi signal is as weak as my self-esteem? I mean, picture this: first date on Mars, and you’re trying to impress your date while floating around like a balloon!

Charlie Cosmic

I can see it now—halfway through dinner, you’re trying to serenade them, but the second you hit that high note, you float right into your spaghetti. Now you both have to decide: ‘Do we laugh or do I just die of embarrassment?’

Charlie Cosmic

And how do you even break the ice? ‘So, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I float by again?’ Because let me tell you, there is no second chance with that one!

Charlie Cosmic

And what about space food? I’m all for innovation, but Tang is not cutting it. ‘Here’s your orange drink powder with a side of freeze-dried meat. Bon appétit!’ I thought we were supposed to be advancing as a species, not going back to the Stone Age!

Charlie Cosmic

I want to see a Michelin star restaurant in space! With a chef who’s like, ‘Tonight’s special is vacuum-sealed lamb with a hint of Martian dust.’ And the wine? Oh, that’s just recycled astronaut tears!

Charlie Cosmic

But hey, at least you know if your date doesn’t like the food, it’s not personal—it’s probably just the lack of seasoning in space!

Charlie Cosmic

Then there’s astronaut training. Can we talk about the training videos? You know, the ones where they show you what to do in case of a space emergency? It’s like watching a horror movie, and you’re just praying you’re not that character who trips and falls!

Charlie Cosmic

And you’ve got to think: how many people pass out during that training? They’re like, ‘Okay, if you see an alien, remember to stay calm.’ Yeah, right! I’d be screaming, ‘Do you take human sacrifices?!’

Charlie Cosmic

But they always tell you to prepare for the unexpected. ‘Expect the unexpected!’ Yeah, well… I wasn’t expecting to float away while trying to eat a sandwich!

Charlie Cosmic

And let’s not forget about space junk! We’re sending all this stuff into space, and now it’s just floating around like an alien yard sale. ‘Hey, what’s that? Oh, just the remnants of an old satellite and a lost sock!’

Charlie Cosmic

And you know, one day some alien is going to come across our trash and be like, ‘What were they doing? Did they think this was a good look?!’ Can you imagine the intergalactic reviews? ‘Earth: 1 star for cleanliness, 5 stars for pizza!’

Charlie Cosmic

Then there’s life support systems. You know, they always say relationships are hard work. Try dating in space! ‘Baby, I promise to keep the oxygen flowing… for at least another week.’

Charlie Cosmic

Can you imagine the arguments? 'I told you not to touch the oxygen controls! Now we’re both gasping for air!' That’s one way to spice things up in a relationship, right?

Charlie Cosmic

But hey, if you survive that, you can survive anything! ‘Oh, you thought the failed mission was bad? Wait until you see my cooking!’

Charlie Cosmic

And finally, humanity’s quest for extraterrestrial life. We’ve got telescopes, we’ve got radio signals… and here we are, just shouting into the void like it’s a dating app! ‘Hey, aliens! Swipe right if you’re interested!’

Charlie Cosmic

And what happens if we actually find them? They’ll probably be like, ‘We heard your signals and decided to stay away. You guys are nuts!’

Charlie Cosmic

But hey, if we don’t find them, at least I can keep using that excuse for why I’m single: 'It’s not me. It’s the aliens!'