Conquering Fear: A Hilarious How-To

Barnaby Buttercup

So, I'm terrified of public speaking. Like, genuinely petrified. It's ironic, right? A comedian who's terrified of… well, this.

Barnaby Buttercup

I once tried to give a toast at a wedding. I started sweating so much, my shirt became translucent. I think I could see the outline of my ribs… which is not exactly the romantic image the bride and groom were hoping for. Anyone here ever accidentally become a human x-ray?

Barnaby Buttercup

My therapist suggested I imagine the audience naked. Didn't help. Now I just picture them all judging my choice of socks. Which, admittedly, is pretty bad. What's the weirdest thing you've ever been judged for?

Barnaby Buttercup

Spiders. Eight legs of pure, unadulterated terror. I once saw a spider the size of a small dog. Okay, maybe it wasn't that big, but it felt that way.

Barnaby Buttercup

My attempt at befriending a spider involved offering it a tiny cupcake. It just stared at me. Judgmental little eight-legged thing.

Barnaby Buttercup

Now, I'm more of a 'scream and run' kind of guy. Anyone else have a similar strategy for dealing with creepy crawlies? Don't lie.

Barnaby Buttercup

Heights. My strategy for conquering this was bungee jumping. It didn't go well.

Barnaby Buttercup

I fainted before I even jumped. The ground crew thought I was part of the act. They were impressed by my commitment to method acting.

Barnaby Buttercup

The moral of the story? Maybe stick to Ferris wheels. Anyone have a better phobia-conquering suggestion? Because I'm open to ideas. Really, really open.