Living on Your Own: A Comedy of Errors

Chris

You know, living on your own is like being thrown into a cooking show where you don't know the rules. I mean, I can cook pasta in my sleep, but every time I try something new, it's like I'm back in kindergarten. Yesterday, I decided to make a fancy dinner, and I ended up with a pot of black charcoal that even a fire department couldn't fix.

Chris

And don't even get me started on scrambled eggs. I remember my mum showing me the recipe, and it seemed so simple. But I always end up with either burnt eggs or eggs that taste like a salt mine. I mean, how do you mess up scrambled eggs? It's eggs, milk, and salt! It's like the cooking equivalent of 'Hello, World!' in programming.

Chris

Audience, have you ever tried to cook something new and just gave up halfway through? I once started making a lasagna and realized I didn't have any noodles. So I just put everything in a pan and called it a 'casserole.' It was terrible, but it was my own creation, so I ate it all. I guess you could say I was cooking with confidence, if confidence means 'ignorance and desperation.'

Chris

Now, let's talk about cleaning. I thought it would be easy, but it's like a never-ending battle with dust bunnies. And my vacuum cleaner? It's a piece of art. It broke yesterday, and I was so lost. I mean, how do you fix a vacuum cleaner? Do you just yell at it until it starts working again? I ended up sweeping with a broom, which is fine, except I found a sock that I'm pretty sure hasn't seen the light of day since the Clinton administration.

Chris

My mum suggested I borrow a vacuum from my neighbor, but I don't even know my neighbors. I mean, I live in a city, not a small town. So I knock on the door and say, 'Hey, I know we've never met, but can I borrow your vacuum cleaner? I promise to bring it back in one piece, or at least with the same number of parts it had when I took it.'

Chris

Audience, have you ever had that moment where you're cleaning and you find something you didn't even know you owned? I found a half-eaten bag of chips under my bed. I was like, 'Who are you, and why are you hiding in my bed?' It was a mystery, and I solved it by eating the chips. Problem solved, right?

Chris

Speaking of problems, let's talk about money. I always run out of money before the end of the month. It's like my bank account is a black hole, and my debit card is the wormhole that keeps sucking in all my cash. I bought a coffee, and now I can't pay my rent. It's a vicious cycle.

Chris

My mum told me to create a budget. I tried, but I wrote down 'Netflix' as an essential expense. I mean, how do you survive without streaming? It's like trying to live without oxygen. So, my budget looks more like a grocery list for a zombie apocalypse. 'Rent, groceries, bills, and brain food—aka pizza and Netflix.'

Chris

Audience, have you ever tried to save money by buying the cheapest thing in the store, only to find out it's cheaper because it's garbage? I bought a can of beans, and it was so cheap, I thought it was a can of gold. Turns out, it was a can of beans, and they tasted like they were harvested from the bottom of a swamp. But hey, at least I saved a buck, right?

Chris

And then there's the phone. I get so nervous when I have to call the doctor or any authority figure. I always forget what I want to say, and the person on the other end probably thinks I'm a mute with a stutter. I once called to make an appointment, and I was so nervous, I ended up booking a root canal instead of a flu shot. I mean, how do you mess that up? 'Yes, I'd like to get my tooth pulled, please.'

Chris

My mum suggested I write down what I want to say. So, I walk around with a notepad, practicing my lines like I'm an actor auditioning for a bad sitcom. 'Hi, I'm Chris, and I'd like to schedule a flu shot. No, not a root canal. Yes, I'm sure.' It's like I'm preparing for a battle, and the battle is against a receptionist.

Chris

Audience, have you ever had to call customer service and just wished you could send them a text instead? I mean, who has time to sit on the phone for an hour, listening to elevator music? I once spent so long on hold, I started making a grocery list. By the time they picked up, I had planned my meals for the entire month. 'Hi, I'd like to cancel my subscription. Also, can you confirm if I need basil for my spaghetti?'

Chris

Now, my mum, she's a saint. She gives me advice, and it's always helpful, even if it's a bit embarrassing. Like when I told her I burned my dinner, she said, 'Just start with simple recipes, Chris.' I mean, I can't even make a grilled cheese without setting off the smoke alarm. I guess I'm still a work in progress.

Chris

She also told me to create a meal plan and a shopping list. So, I tried it out. I made a list that looked like this: 'Pasta, pasta, pasta, and more pasta.' I mean, I'm sticking to the plan, but I think I might turn into a noodle myself if I keep this up.

Chris

Audience, do you ever call your mum for advice and feel like a kid again? I mean, I'm 25, but sometimes I feel like I'm 5. I called her the other day and said, 'Mum, I can't figure out how to clean the bathroom.' She replied, 'Just use some soap and water, Chris.' I was like, 'Thanks, Mum. You're a genius.' And then I realized I was cleaning the bathroom with my toothbrush. It was a close call, but I didn't brush my teeth with the toilet cleaner.

Chris

Grocery shopping is another adventure. I go to the store, and I end up buying things I don't need. Like, who needs a 10-pack of toilet paper when you live alone? I mean, I could probably use it to redecorate my apartment, but it's not exactly a design statement.

Chris

And then there's the dilemma of buying fresh produce. I buy a bunch of veggies, and they end up rotting in my fridge. It's like I'm running a miniature farm, but all my crops are dying. I once bought a whole watermelon and realized I had no way to cut it. I ended up wrestling it with a butter knife. It was a close call, but I survived.

Chris

Audience, have you ever bought something from the store and then forgotten why you bought it? I once bought a pack of marshmallows and had no idea what I was going to do with them. I guess I was planning to build a fort, but with marshmallows, that's just a disaster waiting to happen. 'Hi, I'm Chris, and this is my marshmallow fort. It's fireproof, but only because it's already a pile of ashes.'

Chris

Apartment maintenance is a nightmare. I tried to fix a leaky faucet, and it turned into a scene from a horror movie. I ended up flooding the bathroom and had to call a plumber. The plumber was like, 'What did you do, Chris?' I said, 'I was just trying to save some water.' He looked at me like I was a mad scientist. 'Well, you succeeded in creating a small indoor pool, if that helps.'

Chris

And let's not forget the time I tried to fix my TV. I opened it up, and it was a mess of wires. I tried to put it back together, and it ended up looking like a prop from a sci-fi movie. I called my mum, and she said, 'Just buy a new one, Chris.' I guess I'm not cut out to be a handyman. I'm more of a handy... something else.

Chris

Audience, have you ever tried to fix something and ended up making it worse? I once tried to fix a lamp, and now it's a decorative piece that doubles as a mood light. It's like a modern art installation, but it doesn't work. 'Hi, I'm Chris, and this is my modern art lamp. It's called 'The Glaring Reminder of My Incompetence.''

Chris

Meal planning is supposed to be a lifesaver, but it's more like a life sentence. I tried to plan my meals for the week, and it turned into a spreadsheet of doom. 'Monday: Pasta. Tuesday: Pasta. Wednesday: Pasta with a side of pasta.' I mean, I love pasta, but I don't want to be a walking spaghetti noodle.

Chris

My mum told me to mix it up, but I ended up with a fridge full of random ingredients that don't go together. I had a jar of pickles, a bag of rice, and a can of sardines. I tried to make a sardine and pickle stir-fry. It tasted like a dare gone wrong. 'Hey, Chris, how was your dinner?' 'It was an acquired taste. I'm still acquiring it.'

Chris

Audience, have you ever planned a meal and then realized you forgot the most important ingredient? I once made a chicken dish and forgot the chicken. I ended up eating a side of rice and vegetables. It was like a vegetarian meal for a carnivore. 'Hi, I'm Chris, and tonight's special is 'The Chicken That Never Was.''

Chris

Living on your own has its perks, though. I can eat pizza for breakfast, and no one complains. I can watch TV at 3 AM, and the only one who gets annoyed is my cat. I mean, who needs roommates when you have a judgmental feline? 'Chris, you're eating pizza for breakfast again? I thought you were trying to be an adult.'

Chris

And the best part? I can leave my dishes in the sink for days, and it's not a problem. I mean, it's a problem for the mold, but not for me. I once left a plate of spaghetti in the sink for so long, it started to grow its own sauce. I was like, 'Wow, I've created something that could survive a nuclear apocalypse.'

Chris

Audience, what's the most ridiculous thing you've done while living alone? I once had a pillow fight with myself. I was so bored, I needed an opponent. 'Hi, I'm Chris, and this is my pillow. We're having a pillow fight. It's a solo sport, and I'm winning.'

Chris

But living alone can get lonely. I mean, who do you talk to when you have a problem? My solution? I talk to my plants. 'Hey, fern, how's it going? I burned dinner again. You're looking great, though. At least someone in this apartment is thriving.'

Chris

And my friends? They're great, but they're all busy with their own lives. I once called my best friend at 2 AM, and he answered, 'Chris, it's 2 AM. What's wrong?' I said, 'I'm just lonely and need someone to talk to.' He was like, 'Well, I'm here, but I'm also sleeping. Can we do this in the morning?' I guess I need to find better timing.

Chris

Audience, have you ever called a friend just to hear a human voice? I once called a customer service line just to chat. I was like, 'Hi, I don't have a problem, I just need someone to talk to.' The representative was like, 'Sure, Chris. Do you have a subscription to talk to me like this? Because I'm going to need a manager to handle this.'