Tech Troubles and Financial Fumbles

Trevor

So, I was trying to fix my computer the other day. I called tech support, and you know what they say, right? 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' That's like asking a doctor if you’ve tried breathing. Yes, I’ve tried it! I’ve also tried shouting at my computer like it owes me money, but nothing works!

Trevor

I swear, tech support is just a fancy way of saying, 'We have no idea what's wrong.' They put you on hold forever, and when they finally pick up, it's like they’re reading from a script written by a monkey. 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' How about I turn YOU off and on again?

Trevor

But the best part? You finally get through, and the tech support rep sounds like they’re in a completely different dimension. I'm like, 'Can you help me with my problem?' and they’re like, 'Sure, would you like a side of tech jargon with that?' Yes! I love being confused for a living!

Trevor

You ever notice how your Wi-Fi signal is basically your relationship status? It's either full bars or it's non-existent. And just like love, you can be standing right next to it and still get no connection! I’m convinced my Wi-Fi router is a better negotiator than I am. 'I’ll connect when I feel like it,' it says.

Trevor

And don’t get me started on those Wi-Fi extenders. It’s like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound! I plug it in, and what do I find? The same connection issues but now I can connect in the bathroom too! 'What a privilege,' I think. Now I can watch cat videos while I contemplate my life choices.

Trevor

So I asked my friend how he dealt with Wi-Fi issues, and he said he just moved to the front of the house. I don't know what kind of magical powers he thinks he has, but moving doesn’t fix your connection! It just makes you realize how much you hate walking!

Trevor

You ever try to do online banking? It’s like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while blindfolded. I’m there, clicking buttons, praying it doesn’t break. I thought I was transferring money, but I ended up sending it to my ex. She’s going to think we’re getting back together!

Trevor

And why does every bank website look like it was designed by a six-year-old? I’m convinced they use the same color palette as a kindergarten art class. I’m half expecting a ‘paint splatter’ function to appear while I’m trying to transfer funds.

Trevor

I tried using this new bank app, and suddenly I’m being asked security questions like, 'What was the name of your first pet?' I’m like, 'Which one? The goldfish that committed suicide or the dog that ran away from my childhood trauma?'

Trevor

Investing is just like gambling. You throw a little money down and pray for the best. People say, 'Invest in what you know.' So I invested in pizza. Now I’m just broke and hungry!

Trevor

I went to a financial advisor, and he starts throwing around terms like 'assets' and 'liabilities.' I was like, 'Buddy, I’m just trying to figure out if I can afford to keep ramen noodles in my pantry!'

Trevor

He told me to diversify my portfolio. I said, 'I can barely diversify my meals! How am I supposed to diversify my investments? I’m already living on a diet of instant coffee and regret!'

Trevor

You ever notice how the lottery is just a tax on people who can't do math? I buy a ticket thinking, 'This is my chance!' Then I remember the odds are worse than getting struck by lightning while being eaten by a shark!

Trevor

And have you seen the people who win? They look just as confused as I do trying to figure out my phone bill! 'Wait, I won HOW much? I still don’t understand my last paycheck!'

Trevor

So I started looking up winning strategies. They all said to play the numbers that mean something to you. Great! Now I’m just betting on my ex’s birthday. I should’ve known she was bad luck!

Trevor

These finance apps are supposed to help, but I feel like they just add more stress. It’s like having a personal trainer for my money. 'Hey, Trevor, you spent too much on coffee this month.' Yeah, Karen, I KNOW I spent a fortune on coffee! It’s the only thing keeping me awake while I try to figure out how to adult!

Trevor

And every time I check my balance, it feels like opening a horror movie. You know what’s coming, but you can’t look away! 'And the balance is…' Oh god, that’s scarier than any haunted house!

Trevor

The only thing these apps help me with is reminding me of my failures. 'You could have saved this much!' Yeah, but I spent it on necessities - like pizza and Netflix! Priorities, am I right?

Trevor

Let’s talk about passwords. You ever notice how managing passwords is a full-time job? I need a password for my password manager! I can’t even remember my ex's birthday, and now I’m supposed to remember a string of symbols that looks like a cat walked across my keyboard?

Trevor

Every time I try to create a new password, it feels like a bad game of charades. 'Okay, it has to be eight characters, one uppercase, one special character, and a hieroglyphic!' What is this, a password or an ancient spell?

Trevor

And when you finally decide to change your password, you have to answer a security question. 'What was the name of your first pet?' You mean the one that ran away in terror when I sang karaoke? Thanks for the reminder!

Trevor

You ever notice how many streaming services there are now? At this point, I need to take out a loan just to watch TV! I’m sitting here like, 'Do I really want to pay for three different subscriptions to watch four seasons of a show I’ll probably hate?'

Trevor

And what about the password sharing? It’s like a modern-day Robin Hood situation. I’m stealing from my friends to watch 'that one show' while they’re stealing from me to watch 'that other show.' It’s a vicious cycle!

Trevor

I feel like I should just start a streaming service called 'I’m Broke and Tired.' It features all the shows I never finished and all the new ones that make me question my life choices!

Trevor

And let’s not forget about social media. Everyone’s a financial expert now! I can’t scroll through my feed without seeing someone hyping up their latest investment strategy. 'Just invest in crypto!' Yeah, doge coin and my savings account are on the same level of reliability!

Trevor

'You just need to believe!' Believe what? That I will lose all my money in a few clicks? I can do that without the hashtags, thank you very much!

Trevor

And every time I try to seek real financial advice, I end up watching influencers tell me how to ‘manifest’ my wealth. Yeah, I’ll just sit here and meditate with my empty wallet and hope the universe throws some cash my way!

Trevor

Finally, let’s talk about life goals versus financial goals. My life goal is to travel the world. My financial goal? To not get evicted. It’s like trying to juggle flaming swords while balancing my bank account on my head!

Trevor

How are you supposed to balance your dreams with your bank balance? I want to see the Eiffel Tower, but my budget says I should just admire it from Google Earth!

Trevor

So I decided to compromise. My new life goal is to become a millionaire by doing nothing. It’s a work in progress, but it involves a lot of couch-sitting and pizza-eating. I think I’m getting closer!