Pregnant with Laughter

Jane Thompson

So, you know that old saying, 'You're eating for two?' Well, let me tell you, that's the biggest lie ever. Because if I was really eating for two, I'd be eating for a whale. I mean, I've gained more weight in the last three months than I did in my entire college career. And let me tell you, college was a buffet.

Jane Thompson

They tell you to gain between 28 and 40 pounds if you're underweight. But what if you're already the size of a small planet? Do you just gain 20 pounds and call it a day? I mean, I've seen pregnant women who look like they're carrying a small elephant. And the funny part is, they're probably not even that far along.

Jane Thompson

And don't even get me started on the 'talk test.' They say if you can talk while exercising, you're doing it right. Well, I can talk while eating a whole pizza, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. I tried the talk test while walking, and I ended up talking to a tree. 'Hey, tree, how's it going? You look good today.'

Jane Thompson

You know, there are a million things you're not supposed to eat when you're pregnant. No sushi, no deli meat, no soft cheese. I mean, who even eats soft cheese? It's like eating a cloud. A cloud that tastes like feet. And don't even get me started on the caffeine limit. I used to drink coffee like it was water, but now I'm supposed to limit it to 200 mg a day. That's like one cup of coffee. One cup! I feel like I'm being punished for wanting to be awake.

Jane Thompson

They say you should exercise during pregnancy, but have you tried walking with a basketball attached to your stomach? It's like you're in a constant game of dodgeball. And don't even get me started on prenatal yoga. I tried it once, and I ended up in a pretzel. I think the instructor thought I was auditioning for a circus.

Jane Thompson

Fiber, fiber, fiber. They can't stop talking about it. Eat more fiber, drink more water, and you'll never be constipated. Well, I'm eating so much fiber, I feel like a walking bran muffin. And you know what? I'm still constipated. It's like my body is saying, 'Nope, not happening.'

Jane Thompson

Pregnancy cravings are a whole other level of weird. I've had the urge to eat a whole jar of peanut butter with a side of pickles. And don't even get me started on the ice cream and hot sauce combo. I mean, who even thought that was a good idea? But hey, if it's what the baby wants, who am I to argue?

Jane Thompson

After the baby is born, they tell you to get back to a healthy weight slowly. Slowly? I've been trying to lose this baby weight for months, and it's like trying to outrun a sloth. I mean, I've tried dieting, I've tried exercising, and I've even tried staring at my reflection and willing the weight away. Nothing works. I'm starting to think I need a magic wand.

Jane Thompson

Breastfeeding is supposed to be this natural, beautiful thing. But let me tell you, it's like trying to feed a hungry shark. One minute you're feeling all warm and fuzzy, and the next minute, you're in pain. And the baby? They just keep eating. It's like they're trying to eat you out of house and home.

Jane Thompson

Pregnancy is a weird time for social etiquette. People will come up to you and touch your belly without even asking. It's like they think it's a public service announcement. 'Hey, can I touch your belly?' 'Sure, why not? It's not like I have any say in the matter.' And don't even get me started on the advice. 'Just eat more pickles!' 'Thanks, but I think I'm good.'

Jane Thompson

Postpartum, your body is a whole new world. You used to have abs, now you have a belly that looks like it's still carrying a baby. And let's not forget about the stretch marks. I have more stretch marks than a contortionist. But hey, at least I can touch my toes without bending my knees.

Jane Thompson

Pregnancy is all about preparing for the unexpected. You think you have everything figured out, and then your water breaks in the middle of a grocery store. Or you have a sudden craving for a cheeseburger at 3 AM. It's like your body is a rollercoaster, and you're just along for the ride.

Jane Thompson

Pregnancy nausea is a joy, let me tell you. You wake up in the morning feeling like you're about to throw up, and you spend the rest of the day trying not to vomit. And the funny part is, it's supposed to be a sign that everything is going well. I mean, who thought that was a good idea? 'Hey, let's make pregnant women feel like they're dying, but it's fine.'

Jane Thompson

Sleep during pregnancy is a luxury. You're too uncomfortable to sleep on your back, too big to sleep on your stomach, and too restless to sleep on your side. I mean, I've tried every position, and nothing works. I'm like a human fidget spinner, constantly moving and trying to find a comfortable spot.

Jane Thompson

The myth of the perfect pregnancy is just that—a myth. No one has a perfect pregnancy. There are always ups and downs, and that's okay. But you wouldn't know that from social media. Everyone is posting pictures of their perfect bump and their perfect ultrasound, but behind the scenes, they're probably just as tired and cranky as the rest of us.

Jane Thompson

Pregnancy is a time of never-ending questions. 'Are you having a boy or a girl?' 'What's the baby's name?' 'Have you felt the baby kick yet?' It's like everyone is waiting for the big reveal. And the funny part is, you don't even know the answers. 'I have no idea, but I'm sure it will be a surprise.'

Jane Thompson

The health care rollercoaster during pregnancy is a wild ride. You have to go to the doctor every few weeks, and each appointment is a new adventure. One week, everything is fine, and the next week, you're being told to take it easy. It's like being on a rollercoaster, but instead of loops and drops, it's just a lot of uncertainty. And the best part? You can't get off until the baby is born.