Farming Follies

Andy Green

Hey everyone! So, I recently took a trip to a village farm. I thought it was going to be like 'Charlotte's Web' – you know, cute animals, idyllic scenery, and a talking pig! But let me tell you, the only thing that talked was a chicken that looked like it was having an existential crisis. Seriously, it was like, 'Why am I here? Why do I lay eggs?'

Andy Green

And then I met the goats. Goats are like the high-maintenance divas of the farm. They see you coming and suddenly act like they’re the Kardashians of livestock. 'Oh, look, it’s a human! Quick, let’s pose for Instagram!' But, you know, if you scratch them behind the ears, they turn into mush. I was like, 'Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity’s stylist?'

Andy Green

Then I tried my hand at milking a cow. Let me tell you, it's a workout! My hand was cramping, and I was sweating like I was in a CrossFit class. And all I could think was, ‘I paid for this?’ I’m pretty sure the cow was judging me. Like, 'You call that milking? I’ve seen toddlers do better!'

Andy Green

So, quick show of hands – how many of you have visited a farm? (pauses for response) Yeah, I thought so! And how many of you loved the fresh vegetables? (pauses) Right?! Fresh veggies taste like nature's way of saying, 'You’re never going back to fast food, buddy!' It’s like, 'Goodbye fries, hello kale!' I felt so healthy, I practically sprouted!

Andy Green

In conclusion, visiting a village farm made me realize the true heroes are farmers. They wake up at the crack of dawn, work harder than any gym bro, and still manage to smile while they’re covered in manure. Next time you bite into a carrot, remember: it didn’t just grow there! It fought the good fight with weeds, bugs, and probably some disgruntled goats. So give it up for our farmers, folks! They deserve it!