The Great Zelle Heist

Alex Banks

So, I was using Zelle the other day, and I thought, 'What could go wrong?' Spoiler alert: everything. I accidentally sent my rent to my cat's email. Now, I'm not sure if my landlord is a cat or if my cat is a landlord. Either way, I'm getting evicted.

Alex Banks

I tried to explain to my landlord, 'Look, I swear I sent the money, but it went to my cat's email instead.' And he's like, 'Well, can your cat pay rent in cash?' I said, 'No, but he can give you a good scratch if you want.'

Alex Banks

So, I had to go through all these security checks to cancel the transfer. It was like applying for a job at the CIA. 'Please verify your mother's maiden name and your first pet's favorite food.' I mean, my cat doesn't even eat food, he just stares at it until it disappears.

Alex Banks

You know, Zelle is so fast, I sent money to my cat's email and it was there before my cat could even meow. I'm pretty sure my cat is now the richest feline in the neighborhood. He's been walking around with a monocle and a top hat.

Alex Banks

I tried to reason with my cat, 'Hey, you can't keep the money, it's for the rent.' And he just looked at me with those big, innocent eyes and meowed, 'But I need it for my catnip investments.' I'm not even sure if catnip is a real investment, but I'm starting to doubt my financial decisions.

Alex Banks

So, I had to call Zelle support, and the guy on the phone was like, 'I'm sorry, but we can't track your cat's email.' I said, 'Well, what do I do? Should I just start leaving cash in a bowl of milk?' He said, 'That might work, but it's not recommended.' I mean, who leaves cash in a bowl of milk? That's just asking for trouble.

Alex Banks

You know, Zelle's security measures are so intense, I feel like I'm in a spy movie. 'Please verify your identity by providing your blood type, your favorite childhood memory, and the number of hairs on your head.' I mean, I don't even know the number of hairs on my head. I'm not a math person.

Alex Banks

And then they ask, 'Please provide a recent selfie with your ID.' I'm like, 'Dude, I just want to send $5 to my mom. I'm not trying to infiltrate a secret government facility.' But they're like, 'Sorry, no selfie, no money.' I mean, who carries a driver's license and a selfie stick at the same time?

Alex Banks

So, I finally got through all the security checks, and I was like, 'Whew, I did it. I can send $5 to my mom.' And then Zelle says, 'Great! Your mom has received the money, and we've also enrolled you in a free spy training program.' I mean, I just wanted to transfer some money, not become a double agent.

Alex Banks

You ever tried to send $5 to your mom using Zelle? It's like trying to send a postcard across the country. 'Please confirm that you are not a robot and that you are not trying to send a postcard.' I mean, I'm not a robot, and I'm definitely not trying to send a postcard. I'm just trying to send $5.

Alex Banks

And then they ask, 'Please verify that you are sending $5 and not a thousand dollars.' I'm like, 'Dude, I'm sending $5. I can barely afford a cup of coffee, let alone a thousand dollars.' But they're like, 'Sorry, we have to ask. It's for your own protection.' I mean, who needs protection from a $5 transfer?

Alex Banks

So, I finally got through all the questions, and I sent the $5. And then my mom calls me, 'Hey, I got your $5. But why did you ask me if I was a robot?' I said, 'Mom, that was Zelle, not me. They're just really paranoid about robots and postcards.' She was like, 'Well, next time, just call me and I'll bring a check.' I mean, who uses checks anymore? But at least it's easier than Zelle.

Alex Banks

You know, as a QA tester, I have to test Zelle for all sorts of edge cases. Like, what happens if you send $0? Does