Spend Like an Indian

Rajeev Patel

Namaste, everybody! Rajeev Patel here, reporting live from the land of opportunity...where I’m still trying to figure out my credit score. So, I read this article about how Indians are outspending the Chinese. And I thought, 'Hold up, isn't India where people bathe in the Ganges for economic reasons?' Apparently not. Turns out, we're big spenders.

Rajeev Patel

First off, let's talk about beverages. You got your Starbucks, your fancy lattes… in India, we have… cow urine. Yes, you heard right. We drink cow urine. It’s like a Gatorade, but… you know… more… *spiritual*. And it’s not cheap! Some of this stuff costs more than a day's wages for the average Indian. So, you’re broke, but you’re spiritually hydrated. Priorities, people!

Rajeev Patel

Then there’s the phone bills. Indians LOVE to talk on the phone. Have you ever met an Indian who prefers texting? No. We will call you for ANYTHING. 'Hey, just saw your tweet, thought I'd give you a ring!' 'Just checking in, what's the weather like? Can you describe it to me for the next hour?' My grandma once called me from India to ask me how to use the microwave… that she bought ten years ago.

Rajeev Patel

Anyone here ever been to an Indian wedding? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's like a week-long festival, sponsored by gold and Bollywood dance numbers. My cousin’s wedding had an elephant… I swear! And the food? Enough to feed a small army. Twice.

Rajeev Patel

And don't even get me started on the gold. We love gold. It's in our blood. Literally. I think my ancestors used to inject it directly into their veins. Part of it is religious, part of it is cultural, part of it is probably just showing off. 'Oh, you have a small gold necklace? Please. Mine weighs more than my toddler.'

Rajeev Patel

So yeah, Indians are spending. We're spending on cow urine, phone calls, weddings, gold… Basically, if it’s unnecessary and potentially bankrupting, we're there. But hey, at least we’re stimulating the economy, right? Now, if you'll excuse me, my mom is calling. She wants to know if I’ve eaten. I’m 35. Thank you, and good night!