Signs of the Times

Alex Signman

So, you know what's fun? Getting a sign consultation. It's like a first date, but for signs. You sit there, and they're like, 'So, what are your goals? What's your aesthetic? Do you prefer Helvetica or Times New Roman?' I'm like, 'Dude, I just need a sign that says 'BATHROOM.' '

Alex Signman

And then they start showing you these mood boards. It's like, 'Here's the vibe of your sign. It's modern, yet timeless. It speaks to the soul of your business.' I'm like, 'My business is a coffee shop. The sign should just say COFFEE.'

Alex Signman

And then they ask, 'What's your budget?' I'm like, 'I'm a comedian. My budget is my last five dollars and a dream.' But seriously, the consultation process is where they make sure they understand everything about you, except that you just want a simple sign.

Alex Signman

Now, the design and planning phase. This is where it gets really fun. They send you these mockups, and you're supposed to give feedback. It's like a never-ending game of 'Signs of Life.' 'What do you think of this font? This color? This placement?' I'm like, 'What do you think of just putting it on the wall and calling it a day?'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about iterative refinement. It's like they're trying to perfect a sign that says 'EXIT.' I'm like, 'Exit to where? The parking lot? The afterlife?' Just put it up, and let people figure it out.

Alex Signman

And don't get me started on client approval at every stage. It's like trying to get a group of cats to agree on what color to paint the litter box. You can't please everyone, but they keep asking, 'Does this look okay to you? What about this?' I'm like, 'Yes, it's a sign. It says what it's supposed to say.'

Alex Signman

Then comes the fun part: regulations and permits. It's like trying to navigate a minefield of bureaucratic nonsense. 'You can't put that sign there because it's too close to the fire hydrant.' I'm like, 'So, what, I have to put it on the moon?'

Alex Signman

And don't even get me started on the engineering requirements. 'This sign needs to withstand 120-mile-per-hour winds.' I'm like, 'I live in a city where the wind is usually trying to steal my lunch. Do I really need a sign that can survive a hurricane?'

Alex Signman

But you know what's the ultimate buzzkill? When they tell you, 'You need a permit for that sign.' I'm like, 'A permit? For a sign? I need a permit to tell people where the bathroom is?' It's like the government decided to regulate everything, including the signs that tell you what the regulations are.

Alex Signman

Finally, we get to the implementation and installation phase. This is where the magic happens. Or, at least, where the sign finally gets put up. 'We're going to send a team to install it.' I'm like, 'You mean, you're going to send a team to hang a sign?'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about project management. It's like they're building a skyscraper, not hanging a sign. 'We need to coordinate with the electricians, the painters, the landscapers.' I'm like, 'What, are you building a theme park around this sign?'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the final quality control check. 'We need to make sure everything is perfect.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It's not a nuclear reactor. If it's a little crooked, people will still find the bathroom.'

Alex Signman

Then comes the post-installation phase. This is where they do a final inspection and get your sign-off. It's like a wedding. Everyone's happy, but the real work has just begun. 'How does it look?' I'm like, 'It looks like a sign. It says what it's supposed to say.'

Alex Signman

And then they tell you about the reorder process. 'Our Online Ordering System ensures a cost-effective reorder process.' I'm like, 'Why do I need to reorder a sign? Is it going to wear out like a pair of socks?'

Alex Signman

But you know what's the best part? When they say, 'If you need any more signs, just let us know.' I'm like, 'Sure, I'll let you know when I need a sign that says,

Alex Signman

So, you want corporate signage? It's like putting a suit on a building. 'This sign needs to reflect our brand values and corporate identity.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'RECEPTION.' It's not a philosophical treatise.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about branding. 'We need to incorporate our logo and color scheme.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it readable? I don't want people standing there trying to decode the corporate font while the meeting starts without them.'

Alex Signman

And don't get me started on the executive floor. 'This sign needs to be more sophisticated.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'EXECUTIVE FLOOR.' It doesn't need to be written in hieroglyphics.'

Alex Signman

Now, cultural spaces. This is where the signs get really artsy. 'This sign needs to reflect the cultural significance of the space.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'EXHIBIT.' It's not a poem.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the material. 'We need to use sustainable, locally sourced materials.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it durable? I don't want the sign to fall apart after a week of rain.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the artistic design. 'We need to incorporate elements that reflect the cultural heritage of the space.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'ENTRANCE.' It doesn't need to be a Renaissance painting.'

Alex Signman

Educational spaces. This is where the signs get really informative. 'This sign needs to educate students about the history of the building.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'HISTORY DEPARTMENT.' It's not a thesis.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the content. 'We need to include a brief history of the department and its achievements.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it readable? I don't want students standing there reading a novella while the bell rings for class.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the interactive elements. 'We need to include QR codes that link to more information.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'LIBRARY.' It doesn't need to be a tech demo.'

Alex Signman

Government spaces. This is where the signs get really official. 'This sign needs to reflect the authority and dignity of the government.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'PUBLIC SERVICES.' It's not a royal decree.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the regulations. 'We need to follow all the federal, state, and local guidelines.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it clear? I don't want people standing there trying to decipher legal jargon while the line gets longer.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the security. 'We need to make sure the sign is tamper-proof and vandal-resistant.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'PARKING.' It's not Fort Knox.'

Alex Signman

Healthcare spaces. This is where the signs get really important. 'This sign needs to be clear and easy to read, especially for patients in distress.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'EMERGENCY ROOM.' It's not a medical journal.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the language. 'We need to include multiple languages to accommodate all patients.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it concise? I don't want patients standing there trying to translate the sign while they're in pain.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the accessibility. 'We need to include Braille and tactile elements.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'RESTROOM.' It doesn't need to be a Braille novel.'

Alex Signman

Hospitality spaces. This is where the signs get really welcoming. 'This sign needs to make guests feel at home.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'WELCOME.' It's not a home-cooked meal.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the ambiance. 'We need to create a warm and inviting atmosphere with the sign.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it practical? I don't want guests standing there trying to read a sign that's lit by a single candle.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the branding. 'We need to incorporate the hotel's logo and color scheme.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'RESTAURANT.' It doesn't need to be a marketing campaign.'

Alex Signman

Multifamily spaces. This is where the signs get really communal. 'This sign needs to reflect the community spirit of the building.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'PROPERTY MANAGEMENT.' It's not a community bulletin board.'

Alex Signman

And then they start talking about the aesthetics. 'We need to create a harmonious and cohesive look throughout the building.' I'm like, 'Sure, but can we also make it functional? I don't want residents standing there trying to read a sign that's more art than information.'

Alex Signman

And don't forget the safety. 'We need to include emergency exit signs and fire safety information.' I'm like, 'It's a sign. It says 'EXIT.' It doesn't need to be a fire safety manual.'