Coffee Confessions: A Caffeinated Comedy

daniel

You know what's crazy? British people drink 98 million cups of coffee every day. That's not counting the ones we spill trying to multitask during Zoom meetings. We're so obsessed with coffee, we'll believe anything about it. And I mean anything.

daniel

So there's this TikTok trend where people are putting coffee grounds under their eyes to remove dark circles. Yeah, because nothing says 'I got enough sleep' like looking like you face-planted into your morning brew. The doctors are saying it causes irritation. You don't say! You know what else causes irritation? Having to explain to your date why you look like you've been mud wrestling with your Keurig machine.

daniel

Anyone here drink decaf? No need to be shy, we're all friends here. You think you're drinking caffeine-free coffee? That's adorable. Turns out decaf still has caffeine in it. They remove 97%, but that 3% is just hanging around like that one friend who doesn't get the party's over. It's like alcohol-free beer - it's not the real thing, but it'll do when you're desperate.

daniel

Now, have you heard about this 'nappuccino' thing? It's where you drink coffee and immediately take a nap. Apparently, it takes 20 minutes for caffeine to kick in, so you can squeeze in a power nap. Scientists say it works. You know what else scientists say? That we shouldn't put coffee grounds under our eyes, but here we are, looking like raccoons with a caffeine addiction.

daniel

October 1st is International Coffee Day. One day to celebrate coffee. One day! That's like having an International Breathing Day. We're already doing it every day, Karen, we don't need a special occasion. But hey, at least it gives us another excuse to post our latte art on Instagram. Because if you drink coffee and don't post about it, did it really happen?