FNAF: The Nightmare Before the Joke

Jesse Halloween

So, you guys ever work a night shift? I mean, a real night shift, where your coworkers are a bunch of animatronic bears, bunnies, and chickens? Yeah, that's what I thought. Freddy Fazbear's Pizza is the only place where the staff is more terrified of the night shift than the customers.

Jesse Halloween

I remember my first night. I'm sitting there, trying to stay awake, and suddenly, Bonnie's head pops up on the security camera. It's like, 'Hey, buddy, how's it going? Just thought I'd drop in and say hi.' I was like, 'No, Bonnie, you can't just drop in. This is a job interview, and you're not hired yet!'

Jesse Halloween

And you know what's even worse? The animatronics are like your ex's text messages—random, unwanted, and always at night. You're just trying to live your life, and suddenly, you get a text from Bonnie: 'Hey, just wanted to remind you I can move freely after 12:00 AM.' Yeah, thanks, Bonnie, I needed that in my life.

Jesse Halloween

Speaking of security cameras, have you ever wondered what they see? I mean, sure, they catch some of the animatronics wandering around, but have you seen the maintenance logs? It's like a horror novel where the chapters are just labeled 'Camera 1' and 'Camera 2.'

Jesse Halloween

And the best part? The cameras don't even have a good streaming service. You're stuck watching a bunch of empty hallways and corners, and the only show you get is the animatronics doing their 'let's play hide and seek with the night guard' routine. It's like trying to watch Netflix in a haunted house.

Jesse Halloween

And you know what's hilarious? The cameras are the only witnesses to the chaos, and they don't even have a good testimony. If you ever go to court, your evidence is a bunch of fuzzy images and a timestamp that says '12:00 AM.' Good luck with that, buddy.

Jesse Halloween

Freddy Fazbear's Pizza is supposed to be family-friendly, right? I mean, the place is filled with kids and animatronics. But let's be real, the animatronics are the only ones with a genuine love for children. They're like those creepy uncles who always have a way to get close to the kids. 'Hey, kiddo, want to see my new toy? It's called Freddy's Fazbear Facehugger!'

Jesse Halloween

And the kids just love it. They're like, 'Yeah, Mr. Freddy, I'd love to see your new toy!' Meanwhile, I'm hiding behind the counter, thinking, 'This is the part where I should probably call the police, but I have no phone signal.'

Jesse Halloween

But hey, at least the animatronics are consistent. They don't go through mood swings like some of the other employees. Bonnie's always blue, and Freddy's always, well, Freddy. You know what they say: 'If you can't handle the night shift, you're probably not a six-foot-tall animatronic bear.'

Jesse Halloween

You ever notice how the animatronics have this creepy love for children? It's like they're trying to make up for lost time. Chica, for example, is always trying to give you a cupcake. But it's not just any cupcake—it's a cupcake that's been in the freezer since 1983. You know, when the animatronics were first introduced.

Jesse Halloween

And then there's Foxy. He's the most terrifying of them all. I mean, he's a pirate fox. What's up with that? It's like they were trying to make a kid-friendly version of a horror movie. 'Hey, kids, come and meet our friendly pirate fox who just wants to hug you! But don't worry, he's not going to eat you... today.'

Jesse Halloween

I once had a kid ask me, 'Mr. Guard, why is Foxy so scary?' I was like, 'You know, buddy, it's because he's a fox who's also a pirate. And pirates are known for their charming personalities and gentle hugs.' The kid looked at me like I was from another planet. 'But Mr. Guard, pirates are bad guys!' And I was like, 'Exactly, kid. Exactly.'

Jesse Halloween

The reward for working the night shift at Freddy Fazbear's is staying alive. Yeah, that's the prize. 'Congratulations, you made it through the night! Here's a participation trophy, and if you're lucky, you might still have all your fingers.'

Jesse Halloween

I mean, it's not like you get bonuses or raises. No, the only perk is that you don't become a new animatronic. 'Hey, you want to join our team? We offer free hugs and a lifetime supply of nightmares. Apply today!'

Jesse Halloween

And you know what? The animatronics are the best team players. They never complain, they're always on time, and they never ask for a break. The only downside is, they might try to stuff you into a suit if you're not careful. 'Hey, Mike, why don't you take a break? I'll just keep an eye on you from the vent.'

Jesse Halloween

The backstories of these animatronics are as twisted as the plot of a bad horror movie. Freddy, for example, was the star of the show. But then he started having 'issues.' 'Issues' is a nice way of saying 'he's a psychopathic bear who wants to eat your soul.'

Jesse Halloween

And Bonnie? He's the guitarist, but he's also the reason why you should never leave your guitar in the middle of the stage. 'Hey, Bonnie, I left my guitar out. Can you play a little tune for me?' And he's like, 'Sure, but I might need your fingers to do it.' That's a level of dedication I can't even handle.

Jesse Halloween

Chica, the baker. What could be more charming than a chicken who bakes cupcakes? Well, how about a chicken who bakes cupcakes and then tries to force-feed them to you? 'Hey, Chica, no thanks, I'm good.' And she's like, 'Oh, come on, you know you want one. It's a special recipe. Just like how I make my stuffed guards.'

Jesse Halloween

You ever met the Phone Guy? The Phone Guy is your only lifeline during the night. He's like that friend who calls you at 2:00 AM to tell you everything's going to be okay. Except, he's not really there, and everything is definitely not okay.

Jesse Halloween

He's always like, 'Hey, don't worry about the animatronics. They're just trying to play with you. It's harmless fun.' And I'm like, 'Harmless fun? You try sleeping with a six-foot-tall bear in your face and tell me how harmless that is!'

Jesse Halloween

And the best part? He never calls back. You're stuck with his advice, which is basically, 'Stay in the office and don't do anything stupid.' Thanks, Phone Guy, that's really helpful. I'll just sit here and hope the walls don't close in on me. Again.

Jesse Halloween

The maintenance logs are like a horror novel. Chapter 1: 'Camera 1 is down. Again.' Chapter 2: ' Bonnie's endoskeleton is exposed. Again.' Chapter 3: 'Foxy's door is jammed. Again.' It's like they're trying to make sure you have a good read before you die.

Jesse Halloween

And you know what the best part is? The logs are written in a language that's only understood by Freddy and the Phone Guy. 'The power is at 75%. Bonnie is in Stage 2. Foxy is in the vent. Again.' It's like they're keeping it a secret, and the secret is that you're about to be stuffed into a suit.

Jesse Halloween

I once tried to decipher the logs myself. I was like, 'What does 'Stage 2' even mean?' And then I realized, it means 'Foxy is about to pounce.' Thanks, maintenance log, I really needed that clarity. Not at all.

Jesse Halloween

The springlock mechanism is a plot twist you never saw coming. You're just trying to stay alive, and suddenly, you're told, 'Oh, by the way, if you try to run, the animatronics will springlock you into a suit.' It's like they're running a haunted house and forgot to mention the part where you become the exhibit.

Jesse Halloween

And the springlock mechanism is not optional. No, you can't just say, 'No, thanks, I'll just stay in my office and pretend this isn't happening.' It's like a dark ride where the only way out is through. 'Hey, Freddy, I don't want to play anymore. Can I just go home?' And he's like, 'Oh, you can't leave yet. The show's not over.'

Jesse Halloween

And the worst part? The springlock mechanism is only mentioned in the fine print of the job contract. You know, the part you never read because you were too excited about the 'free pizza' perk. 'Free pizza? Sign me up! Oh, and by the way, you might become a stuffed guard. No big deal.'

Jesse Halloween

The jumpscare joke is the ultimate test of your nerves. You're just sitting there, trying to stay calm, and suddenly, Freddy's face is in your camera. It's like a horror movie where the director is the animatronic bear. 'And the Oscar goes to... Freddy for Best Jumpscare.'

Jesse Halloween

And you know what's even more hilarious? The jumpscare is followed by a phone call from the Phone Guy, who's like, 'Don't worry, that's just Freddy. He's harmless. Just keep an eye on the cameras.' Yeah, because that's what I really needed to hear after almost having a heart attack.

Jesse Halloween

I once tried to prank the Phone Guy. I was like, 'Hey, Phone Guy, I just saw Freddy's face in my camera. What do I do?' And he was like, 'Don't worry, just keep an eye on the cameras.' I was like, 'Thanks, Phone Guy. I'll just keep an eye on the cameras, and you keep an eye on the door. Again.'

Jesse Halloween

The security office is your home away from home. You spend more time there than you do in your actual home. And the best part? It's furnished with a comfy chair, a broken fan, and a bunch of cameras that show you what's trying to kill you. 'Welcome to your new home, Mike. Enjoy your stay!'

Jesse Halloween

And the office is so cozy, you almost forget you're in a haunted pizzeria. 'Hey, Mike, did you check the cameras? I think Bonnie's just here to chat.' And I'm like, 'Yeah, sure, Bonnie. Just don't bring up the topic of my soul.'

Jesse Halloween

But you know what? The office is the only safe place. It's like a bunker in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. 'Hey, Mike, you want to step out for a bit? Maybe grab a snack?' And I'm like, 'No, thanks. I'll just stay in here and pretend I'm not about to be dinner.'

Jesse Halloween

The power management system is not just a joke. It's a reminder that you're running on borrowed time. 'Hey, Mike, the power is down to 50%. That's only half the time you have to survive.' It's like playing a game where the stakes are your life, and the timer is your fear.

Jesse Halloween

And you know what the best part is? The power management system is the only thing keeping the animatronics from getting you. 'Hey, Mike, you might want to turn off the cameras to save power. But then again, you won't know where they are.' It's a lose-lose situation.

Jesse Halloween

I once had the power go out completely. I was like, 'Great, now I'm in the dark with a bunch of animatronics. This is exactly what I signed up for.' And then I heard Freddy's voice: 'Hey, Mike, how's it going? I can't see you, but I'm sure you're having a great time.' Yeah, thanks, Freddy. I'm just having a blast.

Jesse Halloween

The mask is your comic relief. When all else fails, you can put on the Freddy mask. It's like the safety blanket of the haunted pizzeria. 'Hey, Mike, feeling a bit scared? Just put on this mask and pretend you're the one in charge.'

Jesse Halloween

And you know what the best part is? The mask doesn't even work. It's just a placebo. 'Hey, Mike, the mask will keep the animatronics away. But it won't keep Freddy from giving you a good scare.' It's like they're playing a game of psychological warfare, and you're the only one who loses.

Jesse Halloween

I once put on the mask, thinking it would help. And then I heard Bonnie's voice: 'Hey, Mike, nice mask. You look like you're about to be stuffed.' Yeah, thanks, Bonnie. I'm just trying to blend in.

Jesse Halloween

The toy animatronics are the new terror. They're like the sequel to a bad horror movie. 'Hey, Mike, meet the new and improved animatronics. They're even more friendly and cuddly.' And I'm like, 'Yeah, and they're also even more likely to rip your head off.'

Jesse Halloween

And the toy animatronics have their own quirks. Like, the Toy Freddy is always singing. 'La la la, I'm a friendly bear. La la la, I just want to play.' And you're like, 'Yeah, and I just want to survive the night. La la la.'

Jesse Halloween

And the best part? The toy animatronics are even more determined to get you. 'Hey, Mike, did you hear that Toy Bonnie is in the vent? Again.' And I'm like, 'No, I didn't hear that. I heard that I should start looking for a new job. Again.'

Jesse Halloween

The Circus Baby is a baby with a past. I mean, who names their baby 'Circus Baby'? It's like they're setting the kid up for a lifetime of nightmares. 'Hey, Circus Baby, want to play a game of peek-a-boo? I'll just hide behind the curtain and scare you to death.'

Jesse Halloween

And the Circus Baby is not just a baby. It's a baby in a suit. 'Hey, Mike, did you see the Circus Baby? It's like a toddler who's been possessed by a demon.' And you're like, 'Yeah, and that's exactly what I needed to hear after a long night of jumping scares.'

Jesse Halloween

But you know what? The Circus Baby is the cutest of the bunch. 'Hey, Mike, the Circus Baby just wants to give you a hug.' And I'm like, 'Yeah, and I just want to give you a wide berth. Again.'