The Chore Wars: A Stand-Up Comedy Routine

Jake

Hello everyone! I'm Jake, and I'm a recovering mess-maker. I'm here tonight to talk about something near and dear to all our hearts, or at least something we all try to avoid thinking about: chores. You know, those little tasks that suck the joy out of existence one dust bunny at a time.

Jake

My apartment is like a museum of dirty laundry. Each sock has a story. This one, for example, witnessed the invention of sliced bread. Anyone relate? Anyone else’s laundry basket double as a time capsule?

Jake

I’ve tried making cleaning schedules. They always start out so optimistic. Monday: Conquer the world. Tuesday: Clean the bathroom. Wednesday through Sunday: Exist in a state of blissful squalor. Anyone else’s cleaning motivation have the lifespan of a fruit fly?

Jake

And then there's the dishwasher. Loading the dishwasher is an art form, a delicate dance of spatial reasoning and passive-aggressive plate placement. My roommates think 'clean' means 'throw it in the general vicinity of the dishwasher.' I’m convinced they believe in dishwashing fairies. Anyone here live with dishwashing fairy believers? Show of hands?

Jake

My mom always told me, 'A clean home is a happy home.' Well, my mom has clearly never seen my apartment. It’s more like a 'biohazard zone is a creatively decorated home.' I've started telling guests it’s 'rustic,' adds 'character.' Anyone else rebranded their mess as 'character'?

Jake

So, the next time you're staring down a mountain of laundry, remember you're not alone. We're all in this messy struggle together. And hey, at least we have something to talk about at parties…besides how clean our houses are. Thanks everyone!