Coffee Chaos: The Bean Truth

daniel

So, the British drink 98 million cups of coffee a day. You know what that means? 98 million people saying good morning while secretly wanting to murder someone. Ever notice how coffee is basically adult juice? Like, kids have their apple juice, we have our bean juice, but ours comes with the superpower of being able to form complete sentences before 10 AM.

daniel

Have you seen this TikTok trend where people are rubbing coffee grounds under their eyes? Yeah, because apparently the best way to look less tired is to look like you face-planted into your morning brew. Medical experts say it causes irritation. You dont say! You know what else causes irritation? Taking medical advice from someone who thinks dance challenges cure depression!

daniel

Anyone here drink decaf? No need to raise your hands, I can spot the disappointment in your eyes. Fun fact: decaf still has caffeine in it. Its like a movie trailer that shows all the good parts - they call it decaf, but theres still enough caffeine to make you twitch at your desk meeting.

daniel

Then theres this thing called a 'nappuccino' - where you drink coffee before taking a nap. Scientists say it works because caffeine takes 20 minutes to kick in. Finally, a scientific excuse for falling asleep at Starbucks! Its like pre-gaming for your nap. Only humans would figure out how to hack sleeping by not sleeping.

daniel

And get this - theres an International Coffee Day. Because apparently coffee needed its own holiday. As if it wasnt already celebrating its victory over humanity every Monday morning. But hey, at least its supporting fair trade and sustainable practices, which is great because the only thing more bitter than unsustainable coffee is the barista judging you for ordering a pumpkin spice latte in July.