When the Vacation Goes Up in Flames

Alex Johnson

So, I heard about this lady from Missouri who decided to escape the cold and head to Puerto Rico for a little vacation. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I go on vacation, I usually just drink a couple of piña coladas and maybe take a nap on the beach. But not this lady. No, she decided to turn into a belligerent drunk and start arguing with bar employees. I mean, come on, what’s next? Is she going to start a bar fight with a coconut?!

Alex Johnson

So, they kicked her out of the bar. Twice. I don’t know if you’ve ever been kicked out of a bar, but it’s not a good feeling. It’s like, ‘Hey, thanks for the drinks, but you’re done here.’ But this lady, she just couldn’t take it. She was like, ‘You know what? If you’re not going to serve me, I’ll just serve you a little something called fire. How about that, barkeep?’

Alex Johnson

And that’s exactly what she did. She came back with gasoline and a vendetta. I mean, who does that? It’s like, ‘Hey, I’m not getting my drink, so I’m going to burn down the entire hotel.’ And it wasn’t just the hotel; it was four buildings! Four! I mean, I’ve had bad days, but this is a whole new level of ‘I’m not getting what I want, so I’ll just destroy everything.’

Alex Johnson

And get this, the island was already in the middle of a blackout. So, she basically lit up the night with her little arson party. I mean, I get it, the power was out, but come on, there are better ways to make a statement. Maybe she could have just left a bad Yelp review. ‘Service was terrible. Had to find my own light switch. One star.’

Alex Johnson

But seriously, this lady needs some anger management classes. I mean, if you can’t handle being cut off from a bar, what are you going to do when you run out of Netflix? Burn down your living room? I think we all need to take a step back and ask ourselves, ‘Is this really worth it?’

Alex Johnson

And the cost? Oh, the cost. They’re talking about millions in damages. She’s not just going to jail; she’s going to be on the hook for a lot of money. I mean, I’ve heard of people owing their credit card companies, but owing an entire island? That’s a whole new level of debt. Maybe she can start a GoFundMe page. ‘Help me pay for the hotel I burned down. Thanks, everyone!’

Alex Johnson

And the comments section, oh man, the comments section. People are going wild. ‘She needs to be locked up for 20 years.’ ‘This woman is a danger to society.’ I mean, it’s like the internet has turned into Judge Judy. But you know what? I think they’re right. This lady needs some serious time to think about what she’s done. Maybe she can write a book while she’s in there. ‘My Life as a Vacation Arsonist: A Cautionary Tale.’

Alex Johnson

And the hunt for her? They found her. But you know what’s funny? They found her because she was still acting like a belligerent drunk. I mean, how hard is it to stay under the radar when you’re the one who burned down a hotel? Maybe she thought she could just blend in with the crowd. ‘Hey, I’m just another tourist. I didn’t do anything.’ Right. And I’m just a comedian who doesn’t need a mic.

Alex Johnson

But you know what’s really heartwarming? The community came together. They started a fundraiser and raised over $100,000 to help the businesses affected. I mean, that’s what it’s all about. When something goes wrong, we come together to help each other. It’s like, ‘Yeah, you burned down our hotel, but we still love you… from a safe distance.’

Alex Johnson

And finally, the need for multiple decades of punishment. I mean, 20 years isn’t enough. This lady needs to think about what she’s done. Maybe she can take up gardening in prison. ‘Hey, can you hand me the watering can? I need to water the plants I didn’t burn down.’ But seriously, this is a wake-up call for all of us. Next time you’re at a bar, maybe just stick to the piña coladas and leave the arson to the professionals. Or, you know, don’t do it at all. Thanks, everyone. You’ve been great!