The Dorm Room Chronicles

Alex Hart

So, let me tell you about my dorm mate, Brady. Brady has this weird obsession with the 3rd-floor bathroom. I mean, it's like the 3rd floor is his personal sanctuary. He'll walk all the way from the 5th floor just to use the 3rd-floor bathroom. Why? I have no idea. Maybe the tiles are slightly shinier, or the water pressure is just a little bit better. Who knows? But let me tell you, it's a commitment.

Alex Hart

One time, I asked him why he does it. He just said, 'It's the vibe, man. The vibe is different.' I was like, 'What vibe? It's a bathroom. It's a place where you go to do your business and get out as quickly as possible.' But no, Brady's got his own thing going on. He’ll spend an hour in there, just... I don’t know, meditating or something. I think he’s writing a novel about the 3rd-floor bathroom tiles.

Alex Hart

And you know what the craziest part is? He does this every single day. I mean, you'd think after a while, the novelty would wear off. But no, it's like a ritual for him. One time, he even brought a Bluetooth speaker to play some mood music. I was like, 'Brady, what are you, a spa owner?' He just shrugged and said, 'You gotta do what you gotta do, man.' So, next time you need to use the 3rd-floor bathroom, just be prepared to wait your turn, folks.

Alex Hart

Now, let's talk about Johnny. Johnny is the guy who lives two doors down from me, and he’s got a serious food obsession. I mean, this guy can eat like a horse. He'll eat a whole pizza by himself and still be asking for seconds. But here's the kicker: he abuses his girlfriend Ava by shoving food down her throat. I'm not kidding. He's like a human food processor with a side of emotional manipulation.

Alex Hart

One time, I walked into their room, and Ava was sitting on the floor, looking miserable, while Johnny was force-feeding her a whole sub. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, 'I'm helping her gain weight. She’s too skinny.' I was like, 'Dude, that's not helping. That's abuse.' But Johnny just shrugged and said, 'She needs the calories.' I don’t know, maybe he’s trying to train her to be a sumo wrestler or something.

Alex Hart

Another time, he brought a whole buffet to their room and made her eat everything in sight. It was like a food intervention gone wrong. I tried to intervene, but he just said, 'This is none of your business, Alex. She needs to bulk up.' I was like, 'Johnny, this is not healthy. You need to stop.' But you know what? He didn’t listen. So, next time you see Johnny, just stay away from his food, folks. You never know what he might try to shove down your throat.

Alex Hart

Now, let's talk about Darius. Darius is the guy who lost his virginity in the most awkward way possible. I mean, this guy had been waiting for years, and when the moment finally came, it was a disaster. He was so nervous, he couldn’t even get his pants off. I’m not kidding. He was like a deer in headlights.

Alex Hart

So, he’s in his room, and the girl is like, 'Hey, Darius, just take a deep breath and relax.' And he’s like, 'I can’t! I can’t do this!' I mean, he was sweating so much, you’d think he was running a marathon. The girl tried to help, but she was just as nervous. It was like a scene from a bad romantic comedy, but in real life.

Alex Hart

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he managed to get it done. But you know what he said afterward? 'I think I need a drink.' I mean, can you blame him? It was a traumatic experience. So, next time you hear Darius talking about his first time, just give him a pat on the back and maybe buy him a drink. He deserves it.

Alex Hart

Now, let's talk about the bromance in the dorms. I mean, you spend so much time with your roommates, it’s like you’re married to them. You know all their little quirks, their favorite snacks, and their annoying habits. But sometimes, it goes a little too far. Like the time my roommate decided to give me a spa day in our room. I mean, a spa day? In the dorm room? I was like, 'Dude, what are you, my mom?'

Alex Hart

He started with a foot massage, which was fine. But then he brought out the face masks and the scented candles. I was like, 'This is getting a little too cozy, man.' But he was on a mission. He even tried to give me a manicure. I was like, 'No, thank you. I’m good.' But you know what? It was kind of nice. I mean, who doesn’t love a good foot massage once in a while?

Alex Hart

And the best part? We ended up having a heart-to-heart about our deepest fears and dreams. I mean, it’s not every day you have a spa day and a therapy session all in one. So, next time you’re feeling stressed, maybe you should give your roomie a foot massage. Just be prepared for the full spa treatment, folks.

Alex Hart

Now, let’s talk about the great pizza heist. One night, we ordered a pizza, and when it arrived, we realized it was cold and soggy. I mean, who orders a cold, soggy pizza? We were so disappointed, we decided to take matters into our own hands. We snuck into the kitchen and swapped out the cold pizza for a fresh one. We were like, 'Operation Hot Pizza, go!'

Alex Hart

We were so stealthy, you’d think we were ninjas. We slipped into the kitchen, grabbed the fresh pizza, and made a run for it. We were halfway back to our room when the cook caught us. He was like, 'Hey, what are you doing with that pizza?' We were like, 'Uh, we’re just, uh, delivering it to the right table.' He was like, 'Sure, you were.' But you know what? We got away with it.

Alex Hart

So, we got back to our room, and we had the best pizza of our lives. I mean, it was worth it. We were so proud of ourselves, we even made a little trophy out of a paper cup and a pencil. We called it the 'Best Pizza Heist of the Year' award. So, next time you get a cold, soggy pizza, just remember: you can always take matters into your own hands, folks.

Alex Hart

Now, let’s talk about the midnight study session. I mean, who doesn’t love staying up all night cramming for an exam? It’s like a rite of passage. We’d gather in the common room, armed with coffee, energy drinks, and a mountain of textbooks. It was like a war zone, but with more caffeine.

Alex Hart

One time, we were so tired, we started hallucinating. I swear, I saw a giant talking coffee mug. It was telling us to drink more coffee. I was like, 'Dude, I think we’ve had enough.' But we kept going. We were on a mission. We had to ace that exam, no matter what.

Alex Hart

And you know what? We did it. We aced that exam. I mean, it was one of the proudest moments of our lives. We were so tired, we could barely stand, but we did it. So, next time you’re in a midnight study session, just remember: it’s not just about the grades, it’s about the memories you make. And the hallucinations.

Alex Hart

Now, let’s talk about the bathroom war. I mean, who doesn’t love a good bathroom war? It’s like a mini Cold War, but with toilet paper and soap. One time, my roommate and I were at each other’s throats over the last roll of toilet paper. I was like, 'Dude, I need this.' He was like, 'No, I need it more.' It was like a stand-off.

Alex Hart

So, we decided to settle it the only way we knew how: a game of rock-paper-scissors. I mean, it was the most intense game of rock-paper-scissors of our lives. We were both so determined, you’d think we were playing for the championship. I won, of course. I mean, I’m a rock-paper-scissors champion. But he didn’t take it well. He was like, 'This isn’t over.'

Alex Hart

So, we had a little bathroom war for the next week. We were hiding toilet paper and soap, and it was like a game of cat and mouse. But you know what? It was kind of fun. I mean, who doesn’t love a good challenge? So, next time you’re in a bathroom war, just remember: it’s not just about the toilet paper, it’s about the strategy.

Alex Hart

Now, let’s talk about the roommate from hell. I mean, we’ve all had one. You know the type: they’re loud, they’re messy, and they never clean up after themselves. My roommate was like a tornado. I mean, he’d come into the room, and it would be like a hurricane had hit. I was like, 'Dude, can you at least put your socks in the hamper?'

Alex Hart

One time, he even brought a pet rabbit into the room. I was like, 'What is this, a zoo?' But he was like, 'It’s my stress reliever.' I was like, 'Dude, I don’t need a stress reliever, I need a clean room.' But you know what? He was kind of right. The rabbit was kind of cute. I mean, who doesn’t love a little furry friend?

Alex Hart

But you know what? We got through it. We made a cleaning schedule, and we even started to bond over our mutual love of chaos. I mean, who doesn’t love a good mess? So, next time you’re stuck with the roommate from hell, just remember: it’s not just about the mess, it’s about the memories you make. And the rabbits.

Alex Hart

Now, let’s talk about the college hookup scene. I mean, who doesn’t love a good hookup story? It’s like a rollercoaster, but with more hormones. One time, I was at a party, and I met this girl. She was hot, she was funny, and she was a little tipsy. I was like, 'This is going to be a good night.'

Alex Hart

So, we started talking, and we hit it off. We were dancing, we were laughing, and we were having a great time. I was like, 'This is going to be the hookup of the year.' But then, she started talking about her ex. I was like, 'Uh, this is not going well.' She was like, 'I just can’t get over him.' I was like, 'D