The Dark Side of Comedy

Rick

So, social media influencers have the perfect life, right? I mean, their skin shines brighter than my future. But let's be real, their best friends are filters! If I had a filter, I’d wake up every morning looking like a snack instead of a leftover from last Thanksgiving.

Rick

But the moment you see them in real life, it’s like, 'Whoa! Where did your neck go? Is that a chin or a turkey leg?' I’m starting to believe they don’t eat food; they just inhale their meals like it's an air freshener. What do they do, sprinkle collagen into their morning protein shake? 'Oh, this? It’s just kale and a little bit of Instagram magic!'

Rick

And then they have the nerve to tell us to love our bodies! I’m like, 'Girl, if you love your body so much, why does it look like it just got out of a car accident? Let’s be real!' Audience, raise your hand if you’ve ever taken a selfie and felt like the next Picasso... until you hit that filter button. And then you’re like, 'Oh, thank God, I was about to call my mom and apologize for my genetics!'

Rick

Speaking of body image, let’s talk about being fat. I gotta say, being fat is a lot like being a celebrity. Everyone feels entitled to comment on your life, but no one knows the grind. Just the other day, I was at the grocery store and a kid pointed at me like I was Bigfoot. I thought he was gonna call the National Guard!

Rick

I mean, have you ever seen those fitness influencers? They act like they've never met a donut. Meanwhile, I'm over here like, 'Look, I’m just trying to be the best version of myself... on the couch... with snacks.' Let’s be honest, the only six-pack I’m getting is the one that's already in the fridge waiting for me!

Rick

And then you’ve got those people who say, 'Just eat less and exercise more!' Oh really? If I wanted to exercise more, I’d join a gym, not a buffet! How about we all agree that walking to the fridge counts as cardio? Can I get an amen, people?

Rick

You know what else is hilarious? The internet has turned everyone into a philosopher. We're all just one viral meme away from enlightenment! People out here retweeting quotes like it’s gospel. I saw one that said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' And I’m like, 'No! Life is like a box of unpaid bills! That’s the real struggle!'

Rick

It’s like everybody’s out here pondering the meaning of life while I’m just trying to figure out what to order for dinner! And don’t get me started on those Twitter philosophers. They'll tweet something profound at 3 A.M. like, 'What if dreams are just the universe trying to talk to us?' Bro, your dreams are just your brain trying to remind you to pay rent!

Rick

Audience, let’s be honest! How many of you spend more time scrolling through memes than contemplating your existence? Yeah, we may not be scholars, but we sure know the best cat videos to cheer us up! And that’s the real philosophy of life, isn’t it? Cats and snacks!

Rick

And have you all seen TikTok? It’s like a reality TV show for people with no life experience. I watched a 15-second video on how to fold a shirt, and I felt like I was training for the Olympics! Where’s my gold medal for mastering that technique? Meanwhile, I can't even fold a fitted sheet without a PhD in origami!

Rick

And you know what I love about TikTok? You can go from a viral dance to a recipe for a five-star meal in 60 seconds. It's like, 'Beyoncé who? I'm over here learning how to make lasagna while doing the Macarena!' And by the end of it, I’m just hungry and confused!

Rick

But honestly, are we really taking dance advice from people who can barely walk straight? I tried one of those viral challenges, and my knees are still recovering! I don’t need to bust a move; I just need to bust a gut laughing at my own attempts!