Ship Happens: A Nautical Nightmare

Cap'n Calico Jack

So, a pilot boat sinks. Right? Sounds like the start of a bad joke. But no, this is real life, folks. Happened in Bordeaux Harbour. Bordeaux. Famous for wine, not…submarines.

Cap'n Calico Jack

Now, I’ve seen some things at sea. Giant squid, rogue waves, mermaids who definitely weren’t what the Disney movies promised. But a pilot boat sinking at its moorings? That’s a new one. It’s like a taxi driver crashing into his own garage. What kind of pilot can’t even pilot his own…pilot boat?

Cap'n Calico Jack

Anybody here ever piloted a boat? No? Well, let me tell you, it’s not rocket science. Unless your rocket is filled with seawater and pointed straight down. Anyone ever sunk a boat? (pause for audience response) You, sir, in the back? No? Well, you’re clearly doing it better than Mr. Corbet Junior, bless his barnacle-covered soul.

Cap'n Calico Jack

The report blames the gale. 'High seas,' they said. Like the ocean was out there doing lines of cocaine and challenging other bodies of water to arm wrestling contests. I’ve seen calmer toddlers in a candy store.

Cap'n Calico Jack

And you know what the forecast was that day? 'Light drizzle.' Light drizzle! My parrot can predict the weather better than that, and he thinks rain is just the sky sweating. You need a more sophisticated weather system. Like, I don't know, sticking your head out the window and seeing if you get wet.

Cap'n Calico Jack

So, lesson learned, folks. Never trust a weather forecast. Especially if you own a pilot boat. Or anything that floats, really. Unless you enjoy the thrill of becoming an artificial reef.