Hip Hop's Hottest Feuds: A Comedy Special

Lucian

So, I heard Kendrick Lamar wants to actually fight Drake. Not just in diss songs, but in real life. Can you imagine that? Two of the biggest rappers in the game, getting into a fistfight. I mean, who’s gonna win? Kendrick’s dad or Drake’s mom?

Lucian

And Glasses Malone says Kendrick doesn’t let anything go. He’s like, 'This n-gga holds on to everything. If you said something to him in fourth grade, he’s still writing diss tracks about it.' I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius and can remember every little detail.

Lucian

But seriously, if Kendrick and Drake ever do meet, I hope they bring a referee. Maybe T.I. can do it, since he’s a retired rapper and a wrestling promoter now. Who knew T.I. had so many skills? 'Sh-t, I can rap, promote fights, and still look good in a leather suit!'

Lucian

Everyone thinks Kendrick Lamar is this 'good kid' from the mad city, right? Well, Glasses Malone has news for you. 'This n-gga is not that good of a kid! He’s a mean person, bro.' I mean, who knew Kendrick was secretly a grumpy grandpa in a hoodie? 'Get off my lawn, Drake!'

Lucian

And apparently, Kendrick has a thousand jokes. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the most introspective rapper in the game. He’s like, 'I’ve got jokes for every occasion, from the Grammys to the Super Bowl halftime show.' And I’m like, 'Dude, just chill and let the cows graze.'

Lucian

But seriously, Kendrick’s got a lot of layers. He’s like an onion, and when you peel them back, you find a punchline. 'I’m working on myself, but I’m also working on you, Drake.' That’s dedication, folks. Or obsession. You be the judge.

Lucian

Speaking of grudges, the TDE family is like the Hatfields and McCoys, but with better beats. They hold onto everything, from fourth-grade insults to last week’s beef. 'Remember that time you called me a softie? I got a diss track for that, fam.'

Lucian

And Glasses Malone is the family’s resident historian. 'If you said something to them, they remember it. They’ve got a memory like an elephant, and they’re not afraid to use it.' I mean, who needs a to-do list when you’ve got a to-diss list? 'Finish album, get platinum, diss Drake.'

Lucian

But hey, if you’re ever in a TDE family reunion, bring a bodyguard. Just in case. 'Hey, Kendrick, remember that time I called you a softie? Yeah, I brought my cousin just in case you remembered it.'

Lucian

Kendrick Lamar sees hip hop as a sport. 'I don’t care how muthafuckas look at it as a collaborative effort. That’s cool, too, but I love when artists grit their teeth.' I mean, who else turns a genre into a contact sport? 'And if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the studio.'

Lucian

He’s still watching battle raps, folks. 'I still watch Smack/URL, from Murda Mook to Loaded Lux to Tay Roc to my bro Daylyt.' I guess when you’re a champion, you never stop training. 'I’m just keeping my skills sharp, in case Drake shows up.'

Lucian

And he’s not wrong. Hip hop is a sport. It’s like a marathon, but with more rhymes and less running. 'I’m just trying to keep the game competitive, you know?'

Lucian

Charlamagne Tha God says Kanye West is envious of Kendrick Lamar. 'He wishes this was him.' I mean, can you blame him? Kendrick’s got the Pulitzer, the Grammys, and the Super Bowl halftime show. Kanye’s got... a whole lot of tweets.

Lucian

Kanye’s like the kid who always wanted to be the football star but ended up being the chess club president. 'I’m still the best, but I’m best at sending out tweets.'

Lucian

But hey, Kanye’s got his own hustle. 'If you can’t be the star, be the one who talks about the star. I mean, I’ve got more Twitter followers than Kendrick has songs.'

Lucian

Speaking of awards, the DX Awards are heating up. But let’s be real, the only award that matters is the one for Best Diss Track. 'Because the best way to show love is to tell someone how much you hate them.'

Lucian

And who’s gonna win this year? Kendrick Lamar, of course. 'Because when you can remember fourth-grade insults, you can remember every little detail in a diss track.'

Lucian

But hey, if Drake wins, maybe Kendrick will just use the mic as a weapon. 'I’ll just freestyle my way to victory and then throw the mic at him.'

Lucian

Rihanna’s making a comeback, but not with a new album. She’s doing it with the Smurfs. 'Because when you’re a global icon, why not take over a cartoon?'

Lucian

I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Rihanna as a Smurf? 'She’s gonna be the only Smurf with a Grammy and a billion-dollar empire.'

Lucian

But hey, maybe she’ll bring Fenty to the Smurf village. 'Now the Smurfs can have their own line of blue makeup and designer clothing.'

Lucian

SZA just received 28 new gold and platinum plaques. 'Because when you’re good, you get a lot of hardware. And when you’re SZA, you get a lot of hardware and a lot of respect.'

Lucian

I mean, 28 plaques? That’s like having a wall of fame in your living room. 'And if you’re Drake, you’re probably thinking, 'I should start writing more love songs.'

Lucian

But hey, if you’re SZA, you don’t just collect plaques, you collect hearts. 'Because when you’re this good, people don’t just buy your music, they fall in love with you.'

Lucian

Cardi B and Stefon Diggs are fueling romance rumors. I mean, who knew Cardi B had a thing for football players? 'I guess when you’re used to being the queen of the trap, a wide receiver is a good change of pace.'

Lucian

And Stefon Diggs, the guy’s got game both on and off the field. 'He can catch a touchdown and a heart with the same hands.'

Lucian

But hey, if they ever break up, Cardi B can just diss him in her next song. 'Because when you’re a rapper, breakups are just another opportunity to write a hit.'

Lucian

Kai Cenat is no longer planning to stream with Kanye West. 'Because he’s seen the tweets and he’s like, 'I don’t want to be part of this drama.'

Lucian

I mean, who can blame him? Kanye’s Twitter is like a roller coaster, and you never know when you’re gonna get thrown off. 'One minute he’s praising you, the next he’s calling you a colonizer.'

Lucian

But hey, if you’re Kanye, you just have to keep streaming. 'Because when you have a billion followers, you can afford to lose a few.'

Lucian

Hip hop in the digital age is like a never-ending game of cat and mouse. 'You put out a diss track, and it’s on every streaming platform before you even finish writing it.'

Lucian

And the fans? They’re like the judges in a boxing match. 'They’re scoring every punch, every bar, and every tweet. And the winner gets the most streams.'

Lucian

But hey, if you can’t beat them, join them. 'Because in the age of social media, every rapper is a brand, and every brand is a rapper.'