Cruising Into Chaos

Mike Johnson

So, let’s talk about packing for a cruise. You ever try to pack for a cruise? It’s like trying to fit an elephant into a Mini Cooper. You think, 'Sure, I’ll bring my entire wardrobe!' But then you realize, those cabins are smaller than my first apartment! At this rate, I’ll have to choose between my favorite Hawaiian shirt and bringing a change of underwear!

Mike Johnson

And let’s not even talk about the toiletries! I’m standing there, trying to decide if I need three kinds of shampoo, or if I should just wash my hair with the bar of soap. I mean, I did ask if I could book a massage, not a chemical peel!

Mike Johnson

And then there’s the suitcase itself! The moment you pop it open, it’s like a magic show. One minute it's empty, the next - BOOM! It’s a giant puzzle of vacation regret! I ask, 'Do I really need six pairs of flip-flops for a three-day cruise?' The answer is always yes - until I realize I’m still wearing the same pair I wore to the buffet!

Mike Johnson

Now, let’s discuss choosing a cruise line. You think it’s straightforward, right? Wrong! It’s like speed dating with boats. You’ve got the 'Carnival Cruise,' which is basically a floating frat party, and then there’s 'Royal Caribbean,' which is more like a floating theme park. Who knew boats could be so judgmental?

Mike Johnson

And I swear, every cruise line claims they’re the best. 'We have the largest ships!' Great! But do I get a complimentary flotation device if we hit an iceberg? 'No, but we do have a margarita machine!' Well, that sounds safer...

Mike Johnson

So here’s my advice: just choose a cruise line that looks like it has the most food. Because if I’m going to float around in the middle of the ocean, I better be well-fed! But remember, just because they call it 'fine dining' doesn’t mean it won’t look like it was plated by a circus clown!

Mike Johnson

Ah, the buffet! The sacred ground of the cruise. You walk in with high hopes, and somehow leave with a plate that looks like a toddler's art project. You think, 'I’ll take a little bit of everything!' but before you know it, you’ve created the Tower of Pisa with mashed potatoes.

Mike Johnson

And there’s always that one guy at the buffet. You know the one! He’s piled his plate so high; it’s like he’s preparing for a week-long survival camp. I’m standing there, trying to figure out the right balance between enjoying my food and not looking like I’m auditioning for a food network show!

Mike Johnson

And the desserts! They have this giant cake, and I genuinely believe they might have a hidden camera to catch how many pieces I can pile on my plate. It’s like, 'Look at this guy! He went back for seconds, thirds, and hey, is that a whole cheesecake?' I just want to live my best cruise life!

Mike Johnson

Now, let’s talk about the entertainment. You think you’re going to see a Broadway-style show, but sometimes it’s a magician who’s more confused than you are. 'Watch as I make this quarter disappear - oops, I dropped it!'

Mike Johnson

And karaoke night? Oh boy, that’s always a treat! You’ve got people belting out 'My Heart Will Go On' while you’re just trying to enjoy your piña colada. And if anyone’s brave enough to sing 'I Will Survive,' they might just be making the wrong kind of memories!

Mike Johnson

And then there’s the talent show. You’ve got the guy who can juggle and the lady who can balance a spoon on her nose. I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Is this what we’ve come to? I paid for this?!’ But hey, at least it beats sitting in a tiny cabin wondering how much I can fit in my suitcase!

Mike Johnson

Excursions? More like 'Excuse the disasters!' You think you’re going to have an amazing day at the beach, but somehow end up on a bus tour that feels like it was designed for a horror movie! 'And to your right, you’ll see the abandoned building where we lost four passengers last season!'

Mike Johnson

Then, there’s the snorkeling trip. They hand you a life jacket that’s two sizes too big, and suddenly you’re flopping around like a beached whale! Meanwhile, the guide is like, 'Just relax and float!' Relax? I’m trying to survive the open water like it’s a scene from Jaws!

Mike Johnson

And don’t even get me started on the cultural experiences! They promise you a taste of local cuisine, and you end up with something that looks like it survived a nuclear apocalypse! ‘Enjoy this traditional dish!’ I’m thinking, 'This is clearly just last week’s fish stew!'

Mike Johnson

And who can forget the seasickness? You think you’re ready to sail, but the moment you hit the waves, your stomach is doing backflips like it’s auditioning for Cirque du Soleil! You’re sitting there like, 'Did I really need that fifth slice of pizza?'

Mike Johnson

One second you’re enjoying the ocean view, and the next you’re hugging the toilet bowl like it’s your long-lost best friend. I’m there thinking, ‘This is not the vacation I signed up for!’

Mike Johnson

And they say to take ginger for seasickness. So there I am, chowing down on ginger candies like it’s Halloween, thinking maybe I can ward off the nausea like some kind of maritime witchcraft! But nope! I’m still on the floor, praying to Poseidon for mercy!

Mike Johnson

Let’s talk about socializing with strangers. You’re stuck on a boat with 2,000 people, and somehow you always end up sitting next to the person who wants to tell you their entire life story! ‘Oh, you’re from Ohio? Let me tell you about my cat, Whiskers!’

Mike Johnson

And there’s always that one couple who thinks they’re the cruise king and queen. They come dressed to the nines and proceed to critique everything! 'Darling, I simply must have lobster tonight! This place is so beneath us!' I’m sitting here in my flip-flops, thinking, ‘You’re on a floating buffet, lighten up!’

Mike Johnson

And God forbid you get one of those party groups! You know the ones that think they’re at a nightclub? 'Let’s dance on the deck!' I’m just trying to enjoy my drink without dodging flying bodies like it’s an episode of The Hunger Games!

Mike Johnson

Now, who here has panicked about cruise attire? You think, 'I’ll just pack some nice clothes,' and suddenly you realize you’ve packed enough sequins to blind everyone on board! It’s like I’m trying to start my own disco!

Mike Johnson

You get that formal night and start questioning every fashion choice you’ve ever made. 'Should I wear the sparkly dress or the tuxedo t-shirt?' I mean, who decided that dinner on a ship needed such an elaborate dress code? I’m just trying not to spill spaghetti on my pants!

Mike Johnson

And let’s not forget about swimwear! I’m standing there in the mirror thinking, 'Do I look good in this swimsuit, or do I look like a beach ball that’s lost its air?' We all know the struggle! The only thing worse than packing is wearing the wrong outfit while standing by the pool!

Mike Johnson

Finding your cabin for the first time? It’s like a scavenger hunt with no prize at the end! You’re wandering the halls, clutching your map like it’s the last piece of bread on a deserted island. 'Is it left at the taco place or right at the bar?'

Mike Johnson

And you finally find your cabin, but it’s like the Twilight Zone! You step in and think, 'Wow, I’ve always wanted to experience living in a closet!' I can’t even turn around without hitting my head on the wall!

Mike Johnson

You know it’s bad when the only way to check out the bathroom is to take a step back and hope you don’t accidentally tumble into the life raft! I’m sitting there thinking, 'If I can’t find my room, how on earth am I supposed to find my dignity?'

Mike Johnson

And disembarkation? Let’s talk about chaos! You think it’s straightforward, but it’s like trying to exit a rock concert while everyone is still trying to sneak in. You’ve got people dragging their bags like they’re fleeing a war zone!

Mike Johnson

And they don’t give you any real plan! They just announce, 'You’re free to leave!' but somehow, everyone thinks they’re on the last bus out of town! I swear, it’s like a stampede of confused tourists!

Mike Johnson

And then you get to customs, and it’s like you're back in school, waiting to see if you flunked your cruise! 'Did I declare the five bottles of rum I bought at the gift shop?' I’m just hoping they don’t start asking me questions like, 'What was your favorite part of the trip?' Do you mean the moment I realized I was wearing flip-flops in a snowstorm?