The Absurdity of Everyday Life

Jay

So, I recently jumped into the world of online dating. You know, the apps where you swipe left for 'no way' and right for 'maybe I won't get catfished today.' It’s like playing poker with a bunch of people who only show you their best profile pics. I swear, every guy looks like he just stepped out of a GQ magazine. Meanwhile, I’m over here looking like I just survived a zombie apocalypse.

Jay

I matched with this guy who had the audacity to use a picture with a llama. Like, am I supposed to be impressed? Do I get to meet the llama on our first date? Is he gonna bring the llama to our dinner? I can’t even afford dinner and you’re bringing a llama? At this point, I feel like I need a llama to impress my matches too.

Jay

And then you start chatting and it’s like you're on a game show. 'Tell me something about yourself!'—'I can eat an entire pizza by myself!' And they respond with 'Wow, that's impressive!' Honestly, it’s not impressive, it’s a cry for help! Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m on a date and I’m eating an entire pizza, either it’s going really well or really bad. Who’s swiping right on THAT?

Jay

Let’s talk about self-checkout machines. I love how they make you feel like you're in a heist movie. 'Okay, Jay! You’re in the store! Grab the items, and don’t let anyone see you!'...and then there's this awkward moment when the machine thinks you're trying to steal a banana. I’m like, 'I promise I’m not a banana thief!'

Jay

And have you ever noticed how self-checkout machines are the only machines that have feelings? They scold you like a disappointed parent. 'Please place the item in the bagging area.' Listen here, machine! I'm not your child! If I wanted to be scolded, I would've called my mother!

Jay

And when it’s time to pay, it’s like the machine is judging you. ‘Cash? Really? In this economy?’ I’m just standing there with my crumpled bills like, ‘Sorry! I don’t have a credit card—we’re in a committed relationship!’

Jay

Now let’s talk about adulting. Whoever said it was going to be fun lied. They should’ve called it ‘adulting: the never-ending responsibility buffet.’ You wake up in the morning and it’s like, 'Do I want to take a shower today, or should I just put on clean pajamas?'

Jay

And then you have to pay bills. Why do they have to be so sneaky? One minute you’re thinking you have money, and the next minute it's like, boom! 'Surprise! Here’s your water bill!' I didn’t even take a shower! Who used all that water? I think my house is drinking it!

Jay

Honestly, adulting should come with a manual. Like, ‘Congratulations! You’re 18! Here’s your license, here’s your diploma, and here’s a guide on how to microwave leftovers without ruining your life!’

Jay

Smart home devices are supposed to make our lives easier. But I don’t know about you, my smart home thinks it’s in charge of my life. 'Jay, did you really mean to turn on the lights at 3 AM?' Yes, I did, because I thought I saw a shadow. Now can you stop judging me and just turn on the lights?

Jay

And don't even get me started on the voice commands. I’ll say, 'Turn on the living room lights!' and it’s like, 'Playing your favorite song instead.' No, no—how did we get here? I just wanted to see! I’m not ready for a dance party at 2 in the morning!

Jay

And when it mishears you, it’s even worse. ‘Turn off the kitchen lights!’ turns into ‘Start a barbecue!’ I didn’t want to grill at midnight, okay? Now I have to explain to my neighbors why I’m having a midnight barbecue with no food!

Jay

Family gatherings are always a trip. Why is it that every time we gather, it feels like a competitive sport? 'Oh, you graduated? Well, Charlie just got a promotion!' Listen, I’m just happy I graduated without getting kicked out!

Jay

And the questions they ask! ‘When are you getting married?’ Whoa, whoa! Calm down! I’m just here to eat Aunt Linda’s casserole! I can’t even keep a plant alive, let alone get married!

Jay

And don’t forget the family gossip. It’s like a live episode of a soap opera. ‘Did you hear about cousin Karen? She finally got a job!’ Yeah, Karen finally got a job, and I’m still trying to figure out how to keep my plants alive. I think they’re judging me too!

Jay

Let’s discuss health trends. Have you noticed how every year there’s a new diet? Last year it was Keto, this year it’s plant-based. I’m just trying to figure out how to incorporate those into my pizza diet!

Jay

And the names! If it sounds too exotic, I’m probably not eating it. 'Try this new quinoa salad!' Sorry, I can’t. I still haven’t recovered from that smoothie that tasted like regret!

Jay

And you know what? The only diet that actually works is the one where you just eat what makes you happy. So I’m on a ‘Pizza and Ice Cream’ diet. It’s not very sustainable, but it’s the only diet where I’m truly thriving!

Jay

Traveling is also a source of comedy. Every trip starts with excitement, but by day two, it’s like, ‘Why did I think I could sleep on a plane?’ I’m pretty sure the person next to me was using my shoulder as a pillow!

Jay

And the packing! They say pack light, but how do you pack light when you need ten pairs of shoes for a three-day trip? I need options! What if I want to walk, run, or dance my way through Paris?

Jay

And then you get to your destination and realize you forgot half of your essentials. ‘Oh great! I forgot my charger, but I brought three different sunglasses!’ Perfect balance of priorities!

Jay

Ah, public transportation. Nothing says ‘adventure’ like being crammed into a subway car at rush hour. It’s basically a game of ‘Who can hold their breath the longest?’

Jay

And don’t even think about making eye contact. It’s like the unspoken rule of the Metro: look down or at your phone because if you make eye contact, you’re basically engaging in a staring contest with a stranger!

Jay

And when the bus finally arrives, it’s like a stampede. Everyone rushes in, and I’m over here trying to decide if I want to sit next to the person eating tuna or the one who just spilled coffee on themselves. Tough choices!

Jay

Let’s discuss social media influencers. They make it look so easy, don’t they? ‘Just post a picture of your avocado toast and voila, you’re famous!’ Meanwhile, I can barely manage to take a decent selfie without my double chin making a cameo!

Jay

And how do they have the time? I’m over here trying to remember where I left my keys, and they’re posting five times a day. Like, do you have a full-time job or are you just pretending your life is that glamorous?

Jay

And the hashtags! Every post has a million hashtags. ‘#blessed #grateful #livingmybestlife’ I can barely remember my password! I’m just ‘#surviving’ over here!

Jay

Getting older is a trip, isn’t it? When did I go from ‘Let’s party all night!’ to ‘Is it 9 PM yet?’ Seriously, my idea of a wild night is now finishing my laundry before 10 PM!

Jay

And the body aches! I’m waking up in the morning feeling like I just played a full game of rugby, and all I did was sleep. Like, who knew sleeping could be an extreme sport?

Jay

And then there are the trends! Kids these days are doing things I can’t even understand. ‘Have you tried TikTok?’ I’m over here struggling to use Snapchat! I need a manual just to navigate my own phone!